Love Letters ( English Translation)

3

Co-translator : phuchana_sibtis

Chapter 3: Empowering Smile

 
The afternoon rain that poured down as if the sky was leaking began to abate and finally come to a stop. Luckily, Puwanat arrived at his condo completely dry. As soon as he entered his room, he tossed his backpack onto the sofa. He washed his hands before picking up plates and silverware from the kitchen partition and walked to his desk with a bag of seafood pad see ew in hand. He opened his laptop and searched for something to watch while preparing his dinner. Class ended early that day, allowing time to buy food to eat in his apartment and linger a bit until it was time to shower and dress for work. As per usual, his work began with restocking products on the shelves. But because of the overcast skies and rain all day, the customers weren't crammed in the cafe as they typically were.

"If by evening numbers are still low, I'm thinking of closing up a little early to go find us something to eat together. Sound good?" Pannawat proposed an invitation to all three evening staff members.

"P'Pan, you already know me and Thorn have no problem with it; wherever you go we'll come along. Now, Nat on the other hand...he's never agreed to come with us at all." Metha said, raising his eyebrows at his awkward coworker who smiled sheepishly upon hearing his words.

"I know Nat has class in the morning but this time it won't be late- I intend to close the shop early since there are no customers, I wanted to take everyone to eat something nearby. What do you think? You coming?" the young shop owner said with a smile. Puwanat had really never gone anywhere with his coworkers at all, and this time he probably wouldn't be able to use his morning class as an excuse- so he agreed. "If so it probably won't be too late, I think I should be able to go."

"Oh-ho, this calls for celebration, P'Pan! We've worked together for so long and Nat's just now agreed to hang with us for the first time!" his young coworker teased.

"Of course! It's my treat, doesn't it already kinda feel like a celebration?" Pannawat spoke with affection.

"Waddya say we close up now, P'? I can go tell the customers." Chaninthorn joked, looking at the 4-5 tables of customers sitting in the shop.

"Right? If they sit for much longer it'll be bad. Nat, could you go tell the customers the shop is closing for me? The owner of the shop teased, but Puwanat thought the other was being serious, so he raised a contradiction.

"Are you sure that's a good idea P'Pan? I'm scared the customers will be upset... besides, that customer sat down just a moment ago."

Having heard this, Pannawat burst into laughter. Waving his hands, he rushed to correct him. "I'm just kidding, there's no way I would kick customers out of the shop just to go party with you guys, no need to worry. But about closing early, I was serious." Once finished talking, he walked to flip the hanging sign at the front of the shop to read 'Closed' before returning to the counter.

"Let the customers continue sitting as long as they like, but don't accept any more in. I'm gonna go deal with some documents in my office first, once all the customers have left you can start closing up the cash register." Pannawat told the three young men before heading to the back of the shop.

After the last customer left and the closing tasks were all taken care of, the four of them left together just in time for dinner with plans to have a few drinks together afterward (to which Puwanat insisted he skip out on). But the rainfall getting increasingly heavier eventually caused everyone to have to split up and head home.

Even with the restaurant being nearby, the rain began pouring down before Puwanat could reach the entrance of his condominium. Upon arriving in front of his room, he noticed an unaddressed letter on the doormat. Being as he was completely soaked to the bone, he tossed it onto his desk- just like the first one- before entering the bathroom to shower and wash his hair. After his shower, he headed straight to bed with exhaustion and, once again, completely forgot about the letter.

Puwanat reached his hand to turn off the alarm clock on his phone. He stretched lazily before sitting up in place without even opening his eyes completely. He opened his mouth with a yawn and raised his hands to rub his eyes. The exhaustion from both studying and working made him feel like he didn't sleep enough. On top of that, he had gone to dinner with his coworkers the night before. They sat together for so long that he actually got home later than he would usually get home from work.

"Ugh... why did the morning come so soon? It feels like I just went to sleep a few hours ago." He softly grumbled to himself before finally bringing himself to get up and head to the bathroom lethargically.

After finishing up his morning routine and getting ready to leave, the young student grabbed his backpack and left his room to find something to eat at a nearby shop. He has enough time to kill for breakfast before going to university.

"It's been a while since you moved into your new apartment, how are you holding up Nat? You haven't mentioned it at all." Achira, Puwanat's close friend, greeted him as he arrived in front of the faculty.

"Pretty good, it's quite convenient; close to work, close to uni, and far, far away from family.' the sweet-faced boy joked. The other shook his head and laughed before softly smacking the shoulder of the speaker.

"Yep, that's it- the best advantages for you. So how's work treatin' ya? Knowing you moved close like that, they haven't flocked to party at your place yet?" the large-statured friend asked.

"I haven't told anyone... the moment they find out I'll be kept up all night."

That answer caused the asker to make a doubtful face. "You didn't tell anyone except P'Pan, right? Don't you have to inform him of your change of address? What would you keep it from him for? Besides, P'Pan probably wouldn't announce it to the staff, right?"

After hearing his friend's concerns, Puwanat laughed. "Dude, don't you know? P'Pan is the party animal himself. If he were to find out I live in that condo, you can believe he'd be at my door everyday."

"I wouldn't allow it! Even if you are my close friend!" The tall boy spoke up immediately.

"Huh? I respect him, I've never thought of him in that way. And besides, you know that I'm... yeah." Having only said as much as that, the speaker blushed awkwardly.

"Yeah... I know small, soft boys like P'Pan aren't exactly your type, and I was acting like a possessive dog. Will I ever have the courage to pursue him, I still don't know... He's the owner of a successful cafe; what could he gain from being with an ordinary student like me?" Achira said with a heavy sigh.

"If you like him so much you should just go ahead and pursue him. What are you waiting for?" Puwanat asked, tilting his head at his close friend.

"It's likely I won't even get past that stage. He probably prefers mature adults." After speaking, the broad boy let out another sigh.

"Actually, P'Pan has said himself that he doesn't have a preference. He doesn't like the serious type. If you don't try, how will you know? You've known each other for so long, you might as well try getting to know him." The small person encouraged his friend, but the other responded with a shake of his head. "It's because I've known him for so long that makes me even more hesitant..." A sigh sounded for the third time, causing Puwanat to raise his hand and gently smack his friend on the shoulder.

"You can't be certain about things like this. If you can't bear to face him directly, you could always try slowly warming up to him. I mean, look at Ai'Wit; he's dedicated to pursuing girls in other faculties until he's successful, ya know?" He made an example of another close friend of theirs that goes after girls so much that they rarely see his face outside of class anymore.

"No one can compare- Ai'Wit is like no other." Achira took a deep breath when the other referred to their friend. "But I guess I'll give it a shot. At least it's better than sitting here being sad before even trying." Having said that, the tall young man felt terrified inside, having no idea where to begin in the art of pursuing another.

. . . . . .

Once again, Puwanat had very little time to rest before going to work. At least he had time to shower at his condo without having to rush like he had to when living at his father's house. His student life was nothing sensational- because of his family issues and the bumpiness of his high school days, he had only two close friends that he felt he could tell almost anything to. He was always being teased and bullied due to his stature being smaller than the rest of his male friends. Although he never let himself get picked on one-sidedly, retaliating meant the issue would reach his parents- and his father would punish him regardless of whether or not he was responsible for it. Almost as if he wasn't his own child. This made him not want to get involved with anyone at all, even if his life inside the walls of university had changed.

Puwanat tossed his backpack on the sofa just like always and went straight into the bathroom. He let the warm stream of water from the shower flow onto his face. Though enjoying the freedom from his less-than-loving family, Puwanat was still just an ordinary young boy who couldn't escape the cycle of loneliness and deep pain that came with thinking back on his incomplete home. This feeling made him wish he had someone to love him and stand beside him, especially in moments like this where he found himself drawing in his own fate.

Smooth, pale hands reached out to turn off the water. After a long shower, Puwanat felt cleansed of the sadness that crept in and ate away at his heart. He let out a slow breath as he grabbed a towel to dry his body before exiting the bathroom. This wasn't the first time these things came in and attacked his feelings. He always did his best to look at the world through rose-tinted lenses and find happiness in the little things around him, as to not think of the scars of his past again. The days of crying into his knees alone in his room have passed- and will never return again.

Puwanat grabbed his light jacket and slid it on over his work uniform as usual. He took in a deep breath, pushing those thoughts to the back of his mind. It's not an easy thing to do, and he's suffered from these things for too long. The young man looked at his reflection in the mirror, trying to muster up his strength once more. Finally, he was ready to face the day with his own wide smile. Being able to smile had always made him feel better; it acted as a source of encouragement for himself. And yet, the warmth of having someone close was one of Puwanat's greatest desires.

. . . . . .

Another 3 days passed without a sign of Rashane's letter being thrown out. This made his heart filled with happiness, trying to imagine the other's face while reading the letter but not being able to fathom what the reader could've felt. At the very least he was certain that Puwanat knew of his existence, and it inspired him to write the next letter.

The young writer placed the cup of tea in his hand on the round table on the balcony before sitting in the matching chair. He shifted his gaze ahead of him and smiled softly. He wasn't someone who liked to talk much about his private matters, so it's strange that he felt so ready to tell every detail to the owner of the sweet smile. Every letter of every word Rashane laid into the page was condensed out from his heart, feeling as though telling a story to his lover in his arms to hear and taking him on a journey through the depths of his imagination. The young man didn't care how many letters he would have to write, only that the reader would be able to absorb all of his feelings and hoping that they will be able to connect through those inscriptions to develop into a deeper connection between the two of them someday.

Each word created onto the page was sealed into an envelope. Rashane looked at the time on the clock hanging on the wall partition. He still didn't know the times in which the other leaves his apartment as before, he only knew that it was probably still too soon to bring the envelope to his doorstep at this time. He probably would have to wait until the evening which is the time he is certain the room's owner would still be working at the cafe.

He hasn't seen that smile for days now...

Rashane pondered to himself; though he could recall that smile-stained face precisely with his eyes opened and closed, he still missed seeing him and felt as though he could use a refresher with his own two eyes sometime. If today he wanted an easy meal at the cafe, it wouldn't be strange, right? Though he'll be going in the afternoon as usual...

Thinking that, the young writer returned inside (from the balcony) to his living room. He knew that this time of day wasn't suitable for sitting for a long time because it's a time when the cafe is very busy. Therefore he opened his laptop and picked up his notebook. He opened to the page that is yet to be recorded into his novel file. He concentrated on his work for a while before checking the time once more. He pressed save on his work and closed his laptop before grabbing his beloved notebook along with the envelope and prepared to go eat his dinner.

Inside the cafe in the evening has only a few tables of customers. Rashane's eyes darted to the staff counter, and upon seeing that the person he wants to meet isn't there, he hurried to order coffee and a panini. Part of him was relieved because he still isn't ready to face him directly. The other part of him worried that this was the other's day off, which would be equally as upsetting as an awkward interaction, as it would mean he would have to tolerate missing that smile for one more day.

"Your panini will be served at your table." The employee that served freshly brewed coffee informed him. The young writer nodded and walked to his usual table. He raised the coffee to take a sip while gazing outside the shop. In his mind he hoped that the reason they didn't see each other just then was because it was his break time. Sitting staring blankly at the road for a moment, he heard a clear voice resound beside him.

"Here's your ham and mozzarella panini, sir."

Rashane's entire body went stiff as if frozen in place, his heart helplessly pounding out of control. He remembered this voice well, the clearness of his voice and closeness of the two of them made him not dare to turn his face to the other. All he could do was watch the hand that delicately placed the food on the table without so much as a shake. He waited until Puwanat returned to the counter as before and released a long sigh. After a while, he was finally able to glance back. He felt a warmth within his heart when he saw the other chatting with his colleagues with that big, lovely smile. When would he finally be able to calm the trembling in his heart and open his mouth to speak to this young boy for once? Even if it's just an ordinary sentence like a coffee order, or at the very least, saying thank you when being served.

Or... introducing himself at his front door when bringing a letter to his little ball of love...

Rashane's thoughts came to an abrupt halt right there. He shook his head and softly laughed at himself, opening his notebook to revise what he had written while taking a bite from his panini. After his revision, his brain rushed into the book world again as if his soul was thrown into the universe of his own novel.

. . . . . .
"Second time in today, huh?" Pannawat remarked to himself when he saw the regular customer in the same corner of the shop as always.

"Who is it, P'Pan?" Metha asked. The young shop owner nodded his head towards Rashane in response. Puwanat returned behind the counter just in time to hear, causing him to ask; "You mean the customer I just served a panini to?"

"Right, that I mentioned usually only comes in the late hours," Pannawat answered. The asker turned to look at the subject of the discussion again, trying to recall where he's seen the familiar face before. He's certain it wasn't at work though, as he remembered that last time he was brought up by everyone, he couldn't see the man's face clearly at all. But he had no time to think it over any further because just then a customer approached to order coffee. Having dealt with another 2-3 customers after that, the topic of discussion between Metha and Channinthorn had long been changed. Not long after, Pannawat asked him to deal with the stock at the back- causing him to inevitably forget about recognizing Rashane.

The young writer dusted away the crumbs that had fallen onto his notebook while sipping the last drop of coffee. He put away his pen and closed the notebook before looking back in Puwanat's direction once more. He could just barely see the other coming out from the back of the shop, crouching and standing repeatedly for a moment before returning to the back again. Rashane lifted his wristwatch to check the time before standing and walking out of the shop. Within a few minutes the tall man was standing in front of room 1204, placing the letter in the exact same place as the string of letters that came before. He looked at it for a moment longer before walking towards his own room. Rashane knew that in 2-3 days he would be able to feel the warmth of facing the boy directly; he felt nervous, to say the least. Though he couldn't be sure that this 3rd letter wouldn't end up tossed out on the doorstep, what's certain is that Rashane's novel-writing would go smoothly that night.

Because he felt empowered by the smile that caused his heart... to not belong to him any further.

Author's notes:
Not only does N'Nat's smile empower Shane, but it is also empowerment for himself.
It's true that N'Nat's life has problems, but he tries his best to smile through it all. Being able to smile can really make things feel better, maybe not for everyone or every problem but for me, in times when feeling depressed or stressed, smiling can truly help.