oneshots • sidemen

|| 01 || wroetozerk • when to get help

|| ship; wroetozerk (platonic harry x josh)

|| warnings; domestic abuse, violence

|| words; 3k

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Harry

It's been going on for almost a year now.

At first, our relationship was amazing. It was my first time dating a guy, and I honestly couldn't of been happier. We loved each other. Couldn't stand to be apart. I thought he would be the one that I would marry.

But I don't think he loves me anymore.

He says that he loves me. But then he goes and does those things to me. He hurts me.

It started with verbal abuse. He used to - and still does really - drink a lot. And whenever he was in that drunken state, he would take pleasure in hurling hurtful words at me. He'd take me apart piece by piece, until I was left, sobbing on the sofa, wondering what I did wrong, and he was passed out asleep on our bed.

He used to apologise for it the morning after. He'd ask for my forgiveness, and once I forgave him, he'd spend the day with me however I wanted. He'd buy me gifts to try and make up for it. Keep me close to him, pressing kisses to my forehead and telling me how sorry he was.

I kept forgiving him.

After a while, the apologies stopped. He'd started being just as cold towards me while he was sober as he was when drunk. Constantly making remarks that chipped away at my self confidence. Telling me that I'm ugly. Worthless. Pathetic. And that I'd be nothing without him.

He became more controlling. If I didn't know him better, I would of said it was jealousy. Trying to distance me from my family and friends. Keeping me isolated, alone in our little bubble that he had created. Just me, and him.

I started to speak to the boys less regularly. I make up excuses to miss shoots, just to keep him happy. He's driving me away from all the people I love, and I feel powerless to stop him.

But I can't leave him. I just can't.

He tells me that he's doing me a favour by staying with me. Because nobody else would want me. Nobody else would have stayed with me for this long. He's being kind to me by staying.

In a way, I wish it was true.

The thing is, I've heard all of these things that he says to me so often that I believe them. He makes me believe them, by drilling them into my mind, telling me over, and over, and over again. It scares me that he has so much influence over how I feel.

It was only a few months ago that the beatings started.

He's always been a very physical person. He likes to be near to me, touching me nearly all of the time. It's important to him. Be it from hand holding, hugs, kisses or sex. Our physical relationship had stayed untainted. It was only thing about him at that time that made me feel loved still.

But not anymore.

The first time he hit me, it was a punch to the stomach. We had been arguing, and he'd got more riled up than I had ever seen him before. I hadn't expected the punch, and when it happened, the force knocked me off my feet. Knocked the air from my lungs.

As soon as he did it, he was snapped out of his prior rage. He was on his knees beside me, saying he was sorry over and over again, begging for me to forgive him. It was one of the few times I've ever seen him cry. I forgave him straight away, and he bundled me up in his arms, and promising it would never happen again.