Why can't I just die?

Closing my eyes,

Run away, forget.

I can't breathe, but I can see you crystal clear now in the greys of loss.
Every one of you are so upset, and I know why now that my mind is not plagued by sadness.
I'm sorry I never got to say "I love you" then, so let me tell you "I love you" now.

My breaths were warm from crying, face wet as I feel overrun with emotions. I felt like you were smiling behind that lovely mask sometimes, even when you slept because you thought of us. I saw in your eyes the love you held for me and for them. A lovely paper with a ring taped to it sits in front of me as I look down at you with a confused but tearful gaze. The ring, so pretty and silver slides onto me so perfectly I feel myself pulled back to reality to look at it and whisper a soft wisp of;
"Okay."

Today was the day. It was almost yesterday I remember you sitting in that hospital bed in the cold of autumn, my lovely blue rose. Here you are, though your beauty is still wilted, there is always time for the flowers to grow back in spring. The lovely and vibrant flowers in your arms and are spread all around you. Our beloveds stand beside you with smiles on their faces. Or are they just smiling so you're not concerned with their nervousness? It is our big day, so I would understand. I promise that I'll give you flowers like the ones in your hands every anniversary, okay? I know how much you would've loved their colour.

I remember planting flowers with thoughts of you. Each petal a gentle shade of something had meaning to us, to you.
Whether it be a red one as memory of that screen you carried with you all the time.
Whether it be an orange one like a certain flame that turned to a bonfire in the past.
Whether it be a yellow one like a certain golden monarchy's passing crown.
Or even green like that transition we all had to go through together.
Maybe you would love light blue though? Like that time our love messed up in sport.
O-Or a blue... blue...
I look down to my faded ring and say nothing.
Maybe I should stick away from blues. Light blue is a bit too close to comfort too.

I'm going to have fun today, and I'm busy thinking about you like always. I love you just too much to stop thinking about you every second! I could never stop thinking about you without feeling a new wave of emotion that makes me feel like you're beside me. I think you have your own charm, just not like mine. You're so special that way! My friends keep trying to figure out party decorations for today too, unsure if today is a good day for an 80's theme or a Hawaiian theme. I decided it'd be cool to go for the 80's theme. You used to love watching those foreign 80's cartoons, right? I never understood them but you'd enjoy them... A lot..
I-I change my mind... I think Hawaii would appreciate us making a party for them... haha...

Today's your birthday! We knew you wouldn't want anything big, so we just got you lots and lots of love. And birthday cake! I think I can see your smile. You're so happy that you got to live with us, I can tell. We're all crying. We're all so... delighted that you're here with us. We're going to take ourselves home. With you. It's all we ever wanted really ever since you got out of that hospital.

Happy birthday to you!

Happy birthday to you!

Happy birthday, dear . . .

The tiny flame that turned to ash could barely smile as he took in what he and his boyfriends agreed to do, sniffling tiredly as he looked at the cake's candles. He shook his head and looked up to the shattered disco ball and the husk of his beloved. These moments were all that they would have left here. So he better say something meaningful, something truthful.