bullseye • ftwd

3.10 - the diviner

ivy turned her head to jake, who first looked relieved and then looked disappointed.

"you're supposed to be sleeping, kiddo." he said softly, sitting down next to her

she sat up and pouted "do i have to stay in here? i can't sleep here."

she wasn't completely lying. the medical tent was hard to fall asleep in. she could sleep, she just hadn't let herself.

"well, ivy-"

"can i sleep in my own bed? please?" she cut him off, quickly adding "i just don't want to be in here."

jake shook his head "why can't you stay here?"

"everyone knows me, jake. anyone could walk in and see me and they'll think 'the crazy bitch finally tried to kill herself, huh?'"

"is that what you were trying to do? kill yourself?"

ivy wasn't jake's family. he wasn't her brother or her blood in any way. still, he felt the same for her as he did for troy. his heart hurt, and the thought of her dying hurt him more. so much, in fact, that ivy could see the pain in his eyes.

"no" she said and shook her head "no. i didn't want to die - i don't want to die. i just - i..." she looked away for a moment as she found her words "you're gonna think i'm crazy and then you'll make me stay here."

"ivy," jake grabbed one of her cuffed hands "i won't think you're crazy."

she looked at him. as much pain as there was on his face, there was sincerity too.

"i didn't want to kill myself i just...wanted to hurt the girl in the mirror."

he was taken aback so much that he nearly physically moved away from her. luckily, he stopped himself, but he didn't fix the look on his face.

"i'm not going to do it again and i'm not crazy, jake. i just want to sleep and i can't do that here."

"okay, okay." he said sweetly. he let go of her hand and dug into his pocket for the keys to the handcuffs before carefully unlocking her hands, making sure he didn't accidentally touch her stitched wrists.

ivy sat up immediately, and before she could get off the tiny bed, jake set his hand on her shoulder and looked her dead in the eyes.

"you have to promise me that you're going to get some sleep. you're gonna lay down and rest and that's it, okay?"

she nodded softly, and the stern image he had just displayed was now gone. he smiled and held out his hands for her to grab so she wouldn't fall. ivy did so, holding onto him for support as she stood on the ground, and as they began walking to the house, she praised herself for being a damn good liar.

ivy squeezed her eyes shut as the stairs squeaked below her feet. she waited for jake's snoring to pick up again before walking down the last few steps.

the outside air was cool on her skin, and she then remembered the bandages that protected her stitches. as much as it hurt, they led to her forming a plan, so she was a little thankful to her crazy self for making such a bad decision.

she reached for her gun in her waistband, thanking her past self again for deciding to hide her beloved pistol.

ivy walked to the gate quickly, hoping that no one had decided to stay up till 3 am that night. it was unlikely, as there was really no reason to anymore, but it did happen on occasion.

she got to the gate faster than she had expected and only then came across her first problem. the gate had the tendency to squeak only when it needed to be quiet. there was no doubt in her mind that it would decide to grind the hinges together and wake the whole ranch when she tried to open it.

ivy grabbed the gate with her left hand, her right on her gun. she took a deep breath and pulled it open just enough for her to slip by. thankfully, the cry of metal wasn't too loud.

she was finally free from the ranch. finally able to make her own decisions, which didn't really seem like much of a decision at all. she had to find troy. that was a fact.

she smiled as she walked down the dirt road. she was making a huge choice all on her own and she was going to take care of herself. she could do it.

the call of her name from behind her made her raise her gun, only to find jake standing there. he was the betrayed this time. she promised to go right to bed, but she hadn't even slept a little bit.

"i'm not stopping." she said strongly

"ivy, come back. you're going to die out there before you get to him. he's gone."

"go home."

ivy turned back to the road to show jake that she wasn't kidding, but she could still hear him behind her.

"i understand-"

"no, you don't!" she raised her voice as she whipped around to him, lowering her gun then "you understand and that's the problem. you think you understand but you don't know!"

ivy walked closer to him. she held her gun in one hand but didn't put it away.

"you think i'm just some lovesick puppy who - who wants to serve your brothers every wish and doesn't see how crazy i am but that's not it! i don't want to depend on him and i don't want to need him!"

she was shouting now, and though she didn't notice, jake had taken a few steps away from her.

"i can't be away from him and i hate it! i want to be independent and take care of myself but every time he's gone, i feel so helpless! i feel like i would rather die than go on alone!"

ivy then stopped and took a deep breath. she felt like crying, but there weren't any tears forming.

"you might think that you can imagine being in my place, but even after i've told you all that, you can't even begin to understand what it's like." she shook her head "you will never be able to understand, so believe me when i tell you, i will be dead by sunrise if you stop me."

jake only stared back at her, and when he went to say something, ivy interrupted.

"i'm going to find troy or die trying, but i guarantee that i will be dead in minutes if you make me stay here."

the two of them stared at each other. ivy decided that she didn't want to say anything else, and jake was trying to figure out what to even say. he couldn't muster much up to persuade her into staying at the ranch, so he didn't say anything. he only nodded and watched as she turned back to the road. he stood there for a while, watching her walk, until she disappeared from his view.