you may wonder why i live another day and didn't kill myself after i wrote the letter. well i made a promise...to maddie. before she died. i promised her that i would live. i know it is only a matter of time before the promise will be broken, but for as long as possible i will keep my word to maddie.
i wasn't worried about johnny getting the letter because he has enough fan mail to get through that he would never get it and even the one and a million chance that he did he wouldn't come. why? because he left.
my mom is calling for me to wake up and even though i have been awake in my bed for hours i don't move until she yelled at me for the seventh time.
my mom drives me to school, but we don't speak. i remember being little and listening to dramatic music pretending my life is a movie and smooshing my nose up against the wall. maddie would always roll her eyes making us break out into fights. we fought about everything..who got the plastic prize at the bottem of the cereal box, who used the last of the good hair conditioner, and who's cartoons to watch. i now wish i could go back and give her all of the cereal toys i have hidden in my drawer burried under sweatshirts..
i walk into school avoiding the stares of the students. no matter what you do when you loose a sibling that is all you are to everyone. it seems almost unfair that as you live you are known as the part of you that died.
"guess who?" someone says as i approach my locker wrapping their hands around my eyes.
"carson?" i laugh.
"correct," he says sliding his hands off of me, so i can see all of my friends.
i wouldn't have made more friends if they weren't already there. johnny, lauren, and i had an average sized friend group and even though i wasn't super close with any of them when johnny left they stuck by my bedside.
there is annie leblanc, my best friend. she has long brown hair and brown eyes with a glint of golf in them. brynn rumfallo, who joined our group one year and a half ago. she has bottle blonde hair and is that fashionista of the group. carson lueders the other one who put his hands on my eyes earlier. he is funny and outgoing and has blonde hair matching brynn's. there is hayden sumerall who i have developed a small crush on which i realized some time after knowing johnny wasn't coming back. but i am not oblivious to the way he looks at brynn and brynn looks at him
i drag myself through what feels like forever until it is finally lunch time.
i find myself watching brynn and hayden's dangled arms over each other.
annie nudged me and i looked at hurt and she nodded her head giving me an i know look.
"hey kenz why aren't you eating?" carson asks.
"oh um." i try to find a lie. the truth is i haven't eaten anything, but gum in the last couple of days.
"do you feel okay?" he presses the back of is hand to my forehead.
"yes!" i snap slapping his hand away.
he looks a little of guard, but continues to interiogate and rolls and apple to me, "eat that."
i shake my head, but he gives me an i won't stop until you eat kind of look.
i roll my eyes and press my mouth to the apple. i haven't bitten it yet it already hurts. i sink my teeth in to the meely browning cafiteria apple and feel it snap of and slide into my mouth. it tastes good as the only taste i have savored in the last few days is my peppermint trident gum.
carson watches as i eat the apple down to the core.
"good," he smiles pleased.
but i don't feel good. an aching pain roars in my stomach.
"um i need to go.." i flush and run out of the cafiteria and don't stop until i reach the girl's bathroom farthest from the cafiteria.
i sink on the floor of the stall. i try to swallow my cries and my mouth stretches into the shape of the scream, but nothing comes out...no i am to broken for that.
i clench my toes trying to ground myself, but it feels as if i was loosing my place on earth.
i lean forward and feel my insides pour out in a fail swish as they hit the bottem of the toilet.
i needed to get out of here.
i have never actually skipped school, but seen brynn do it around one thousand times. i fiddle with the bathroom window until it begins to crack open with a satesfying pop.
i push my feet over and once i land i don't stop running. i run until i can't any more. by then it had started to rain. a big pour, the unexciding ones when you were little because they made huge pools in your rainboots and you couldn't splash in puddles. one that matched my mood.
i don't realize where i am until i am already there.
i open the door into the coffee shop.
"one muffin please," i say to the person at the casheir, but almost immeditly correct myself, "actually no muffin just a coffee instead.
"okay credit or cash?" she asks in a dull voice.
"cash please."
i pay and turn around with my coffee in my hand. the steaming cup drops in slow motion as my brown eyes match with his green ones.
i open my mouth trying to find words to speak, but only one comes out.
"johnny?"
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p.s
-important message: if you are struggling with an eating disorder or depression or anything please talk to me or somebody. you can get through it. my sister had an eating disorder and when she finally got help she was so much happier. so please message me or speak to somone. i promise it will get better :)
