i went to the beach for a walk. the sand crumpled between my toes with each step. the sky was dark and yet i could still make out the faintest sight of the ocean which roared and cried through each wave.
two my left i watch a memory. it's light over there. i was no more than three and maddie somewhere around the age of five. it was back in the short period of my life when my hair was blonde, but even then it is fading.
dad and mom sat on a red and white polka dot towel. i wore a lime green bucket hat over my two pigtails and wore one of those rainbow, ribbed, striped bathing suits that had the small skirt. maddie was wearing one, too, but hers was in bright pink.
"mumma! sand dollar!" i yelled lifting up the newfound treasure.
"good job sweetie," mom cooed opening her arms wide and i fell into them and she planted kisses all over my face.
"let me see," my dad asked and i dropped it roughly into his hand.
"oh that's a good one," he smiled handing it back to me.
my present self smiled at the memory. i didn't know why i was smiling. maybe it was away to not cry. it was a smiley moment then, but not a smiley feeling now. in a way it is like i have lost all of my family.
back in the memory, maddie's face grew red with jealousy and she crossed her arms. she picked up the sand bucket, which was still half full of sand and released it over my head.
i shrieked, only a shriek a toddler could give.
"maddie," my mother scolded as i ran into my father's arms wailing with tears. maddie simply smirked not feeling apologetic.
i would give anything for that. to cry for the stuff that won't matter tomorrow. to fight with maddie. to be in my fathers arms. to be okay.
admitting to yourself that you are not okay is a hard thing to do. it is saying that there is a problem, something wrong that needs to be fixed. but at some point you are too deep you can't be fixed on your own. you need somebody and that somebody has to care.
i don't like to question if my mom does or doesn't, because i think i know. ever since maddie died, it was like the winding of the toy broke. she was broken in her own way, too.
annie does i guess. and carson, too. but they also know. they know and they haven't done anything. it's almost worse than not caring at all because they can throw me the extra life jacket, but shrug and pretend like they ran out.
i ask myself again, so who cares?
johnny orlando. but he is the worst of them all. because in this case i care about him. more than anyone left in my life.
he cares because of the letter. i told him everything...most things. i almost died and he came back. but him leaving is the start of why you wanted to die. and yet he came back.
johnny, i want to shout out to you to stop caring. but that would be a lie. i need you to care. because otherwise it might just be the end.
"hey," a voice says behind me and i keep walking because i don't suspect they are talking to me.
"hey, you." i turn around this time.
"yes?" i call out puzzled.
it was a group of three girls. freshman. some other school.
"weren't you on the news with johnny orlando? you his girlfriend or somethin'?" the red head asks.
"woah, woah, woah, girlfriend is a strong word," i say.
"i told you it was her," the red head nudges the two girls, all three squealing.
"can we have a pic?" another one with a hair color i can not see ask shyly.
"um sure," i say akwardly and the third girl snaps the photo.
"thank you!"
"no problem," i nod.
"what's your insta handle? i can totally tag you!" the red head exclaims.
"oh um at kenzieziegler," i answer.
"okay," she types it into her phone.
"bye, see you sometime, maybe," the third girl says.
"yeah, maybe."
i continue to walk for some time until i reach a cliff. i look over the edge, careful to ground my feet.
i could jump. easily. and end it all. but a new thought comes. who will scream when they find my body?
i sigh taking my phone from my pocket, shaking my head, "damn it, orlando."
"woah," i pause before opening a chat.
instagram notifications
99+ new follows
99+ message requests
1 story tag from baddie._abigalllulubay
i open the story tag and recognize it as the selfie i took with the girls. the words on top of it: hanging with johnny orlando's new girlfriend @kenzieziegler.
i roll my eyes closing out of the app and going onto messages. i tap on johnny's name and my thumbs sweat as i begin to type out the message.
i type, delete, and retype thousands of times.
hey, can you meet me?
i finally hit send before the worries flood and recieve an almost imediate ding.
yes.
877 words
p.s
-WHATTT tysm for 1K :(((
-sorry i have not updated, i just want to update good chapters
