"is it time to say goodbye?" the boy asks, a smile radiating from his face.
i squint at him, trying to make sure he does not see the tears in my eyes. "yes. for a short while. is that okay?"
he shrugs carelessly. "doesn't matter to me. i'll be fine. you, however..." he scrunches his nose in disgust, waving a hand, "it might be a bit more difficult for you. hey, it's going to be fine. you shouldn't feel that bad. it doesn't matter."
these words splatter onto the dry wood, being used as gasoline. i throw in the lighter without a second glance, not bothering to watch the flames lick the sun shining above. the heat hugs my back, begging for me to turn on my heel and dive into the warmth of anger, of tantrums and screaming and fighting.
in all our time together, we never had a fight. i now know that that is not healthy in the slightest. i was scared to argue with you in fear that you would toss me to the curb and run me over with a car on "accident". i was frightened that you would not find me lovable; you would just see another girl wanting to disagree with you, a man.
you are not a man. before me is a boy, smile shining like the sun. a boy that knowingly broke my heart all these months. a boy that has some good in him despite bringing me back down to rock bottom.
in another world, i turn around and jump into the wicked fire, tumbling into the mistakes that i wish i made when i said goodbye.
"do not say things you do not mean. do not chase after me after i have healed from the wreckage you have caused. do not say you still want me by your side one week and then refuse to blink an eye towards my direction the following week, avoiding all conversation with me and even flinching when my name is brought up. do not vaguely apologize about the end. and do not, do not, do not answer the door if someone rings the bell because it will be me."
he would have raised an eyebrow with a questioning look on his face.
"it will be me trying again. despite knocking me down and crushing all hopes of maintaining the bare minimum, i will try again. again and again...until you finally feel how i felt. when i see that you completely ruined the one good thing you had going for you, when you realize that you can only go down from here, when you understand that you caused me pain every single day for the months we had together...that will be when i decide to stop. instead, i will be the one telling you that you are going to be fine. that you will make it through this. that it does not matter."
there will be silence because he does not remember how to speak. he cannot speak so eloquently compared to the heat in my words.
"so, do not open the door. it will be an endless cycle that will hurt you and make me suffer more. and this is the difference between us. i am warning you. you never did that."
and then i would yell a bit more before leaving.
however, we are not in the other world. we are here, present, and he is waiting for my response to the words he barely glanced a second thought to.
instead of saying what i want to say, i nod my head and say, "okay. i will be fine. take care."
i continue to walk away from the pit of anger behind me.
and for the rest of the years when he is only hidden behind the house door right next to mine, i do not ring the doorbell and i do not share my final piece with him.
because i know he will never understand what he did.
