walking down our makeshift path together was amazing
you did not ignore me when i was in front of you. you spoke to me both over a screen and face to face about things that i'm sure you've never said out loud. the moments where i felt like i was living straight out of a coming of age movie felt so euphoric and new. when we rode our bikes to the fields to watch the sunset, i was fully aware of the nerves on my shoulders. what was okay? i was back in the in between phase, but this time around, i was confident that i wanted to move forward, not backwards. i was open to your touch, your firm hands on my back and your head leaning against me.
the euphoria continued when the rain came down, pouring. there was giddy screaming and loud laughter while we bolted towards our bikes, allowing gravity to take us down the hill. there was a moment when your arms were in the air while you looked back at me, a grin on your face.
and there, at that moment, even before we officially started a relationship, i knew losing you was going to hurt so much.
the night in the rain made me feel alive again. months of shifting myself into someone i wasn't was undone in hours. i felt the blood in my veins and i was aware that my heart was beating. i remembered how much fun it was to begin at the start. falling in love with a close friend is a completely different feeling compared to falling in love with a stranger. yes, it's a bit familiar, but i was constantly smiling every second of the week, thinking and thinking about you.
it was a secret, the two of us. we had decided to keep the details of our love lives to ourselves. our group of friends didn't need to know, at least not now. we were having fun, living in moments that i will always remember out of a movie. nothing wrong could happen. a summer thing turning into a forever thing, right?
sure. just not yet.
someone knocked on my door again. i ran down the stairs, humming little rhythms and beats that i made up. i flung the door open with a bright smile, sparkles in my eyes. i was getting ready to go out again with you and nothing could ruin my happiness.
this time, hope nor self love stood in front of me. there was a familiar woman that i had met a few years back. her jet black hair was tied into two low pigtails. she wore modest clothing, long sleeves and tights under her dress. rings covered her fingers, her smile nonexistent. she bore her eyes into mine like a drill, and, for a second, the memories of art class exactoknives and baggy hoodies came back to me.
"no.." i mumbled out, trying to shut the door. she was too quick, already engulfing me in a huge hug.
"hello dear. where are you off to?"
"i was happy. things were looking okay for me. i have to go, i have to be somewhere-"
"well, dear, i can't leave already. i made the trip. it was a bit more difficult this time around, but alas, here i am. now, let's get in the car. we should catch up on a few things, yes?"
and with that, the familiar woman turned on her heel and beckoned for me to come. she gave me a cold smile, something that always haunted me in my nightmares.
"you know that i'm always around at your outings, correct? what's the fun without your mental illness, depression, hm? come along."
she grabbed my hand, and just like that, i was drowning in the cold, dark waters, tryin to reach for you.
i couldn't find you in time.
