𝐇𝐞𝐚𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫

10

Practice seemed to fly by as Cody tried to focus on conditioning and not his crumbling home life. Working out had always been a good coping mechanism for him as it took his mind off of every little thought he was having. 

Even still, the paranoia of his teammates figuring out his secret became apparent to him when he panicked over them approaching him to talk. He tried to remind himself the Jamie would never tell anyone but the thought of them just being able to tell was still there. Cody felt as though "I'm gay" was written in bold across his forehead just under his hair. Every compliment thrown his way, every pat on the shoulder felt like it had an underlying meaning. Cody decided he hated it here. 

His coach called him out several times as he drifted into polyester daydreams that smelled of pine. Cody felt the embarrassment get worse every time it happened knowing that he would be pulled aside after practice to be questioned. Now that Jamie knew his secret the boy knew he was treading on thin ice. One slip up and his best friend would not longer be his. The thought was terrifying.

When practice eventually finished Cody felt more exhausted than usual, he couldn't tell if it was because he was stressed or if it was the extra energy he spent feeling paranoid. Whatever it was, he felt drained of all life. His coach did pull him aside as predicted and Cody easily lied telling him that nothing was going on at home and that he just had a lousy night of rest. He didn't like how easy it was for him to make that stuff up, he missed when people would question it because they could tell he was lying, hell Cody could convince himself that everything was okay at this point. It was ever so disappointing.

If you had asked Cody what him and Jamie talked about on the way "home" Cody wouldn't have been able to tell you, fading in and out of reality was hard enough but keeping up with people all the while was a whole other story. He wanted to go to his house and make sure his little sister was far away from Miranda's emotionally manipulative ways, to make sure that his father still smelled of spearmint rather than whiskey and that his skin hadn't been bruised by Miranda's pink tipped hands. For a frail woman who threw up to keep her figure, she could punch like a bitch- Cody remembered it well. 

With all of the thoughts circulating through his mind of all of the violent acts Miranda could be committing Cody found it hard to continue talking to Jamie as they entered his house. Knowing that Jamie was just doing his best he tried to keep up with the conversation as to not make Jamie feel bad but it wasn't working. Cody knew Jamie had already picked up on the hints and was just trying to keep his friend from completely zoning out. He appreciated it more than anyone would ever know. Before long Jamie had left Cody in the kitchen with a "I'll be right back."

Cody sighed heavily feeling increasingly more stressed. He wasn't sure how much longer he could pretend he didn't have feelings for his friend, it was getting more difficult by the day. If Jamie just wasn't so attractive it would be easier he told himself.

As if on cue Jamie walked back into the kitchen with a bag of hot cheetos and his laptop. Cody remembered that suddenly his teenage angst problems weren't the only thing he needed to worry about. He reached into his bag and pulled out his laptop as well ready to dive headfirst into ignoring his problems with schoolwork.

He wasn't sure how much time passed before he realized Jamie was asleep on the table snoring lightly against his math homework. Cody smiled to himself and continued writing out the chemical equation he was working on He pulled his phone out when he finished, a sort of reward for his hard work, and started browsing through Instagram.

He hated social media but it was a nice distraction on occasion. Usually he didn't use it to distract from the painfully dark feeling in the back of his mind but today he thought he might as well try. To say the least it only made his mental state worse.

Cody had never been one to look through his feed and get jealous but seeing the pictures of his friend group's token couples was making him feel somewhere in-between violently sick and straight up violent. The easy way out would be to get a random girl, he knew he could, but realized that would be inevitably harder.

He liked the posts regardless, they were still his friends despite his envy. Their smiles gleamed brightly seemingly mocking him. Ever kiss, hug, pose, smile, 'love of my life' caption was just another reminder to him of what he couldn't have.

And with that, Cody began to crumble. He felt more lonely than ever, Jamie snored on and Cody hated it. He hated that he thought his best friend of all people was attractive. He hated that he was born this way, that he hadn't ever wanted a girl. He hated feeling so small and belittled by his own mind. He hated cliche sayings about depression too but for once he understood- his brain felt like a cage that he couldn't claw his way out of, a black hole that was slowly consuming all light- and well he hated it. But most of all he hated his mom. He wasn't sure how that related in the current moment of melancholy but shook his head and let the thoughts continue.

But he couldn't hate it. He couldn't hate Jamie at least, no way. Jamie, whether reciprocating feelings for Cody or not was still his best friend and he refused to let that change. His eyes drifted back to his phone screen and his thoughts stopped short.

Her.

It was the girl he had seen in the office, the pretty one. The picture was lovely he would admit she looked magazine worthy, the likes on the post supported this thought. Her sandy hair was blowing in a slight breeze, just enough to look almost staged, she had a smile on her face lined by peachy lips, her blue eyes were shining in the pictures matching the sky in the background. Cody had to admit she looked beautiful and not just on the outside. Something about the picture made him assume she was probably really sweet.

And he hated that. He didn't know why. But he hated that he thought she looked like a good person.

He clicked on her profile picture and read her bio finding out her name.

"Heather, huh." He sighed.

Pretty name for a pretty girl.

(i am so sorry that this took me so long to write i have been so busy lately and not able to write as much but i promise i'll do better to update. thank you for understanding 🥺)