What Could've Been

if I wasn't so insecure

C H A P T E R  1

L A N E L L E

It was another lonesome Friday night for me. I simply stayed huddled up in bed as I vicariously lived through other people's Snapchat stories that displayed their crazy nights out.

I was supposed to be amongst the crowd of intoxicated teens, but I ended up backing out. However, now that I was left to my own depressing self, I realized that being in a place full of strangers with booze and noise for music would've been a much better way to spend my time.

Growing envious of the lives my female counterparts were living, I quickly skipped through the remainder of their snaps until one, in particular, had me do a double-take.

"Wow, he's got long hair now..." I muttered, astonished from the comfort of my bed as my eyes bore into the figure of a guy I had so much history with. I couldn't help but be transfixed by the short video of my ex smiling from ear to ear and being goofy on a mutual friend's snap.

He was thriving and looking better than ever whilst I was over here with spot cream marring my face, watching his jovial self with my protruding double chin on full display.

I remember the first time I met him - it was at a party. I was trying to get over a guy that was never mine and he was trying to get away from a possessive ex. We bonded over our pathetic love life and the rest was history.

A history that ever so often makes my heart ache. Especially now as I was gazing at the video of him. I hate that I'm over here still relishing in some of the good times we've had when he shone that same breathtaking smile but I couldn't help it. We didn't exactly break up on a clear note and I guess the lack of closure is making it hard for me to let go.

With a big shaky sigh, I wipe the tear falling from my left eye as his rich laughter which was on loop all this time played in the background, reminding me of how much I missed him despite the mess that was our relationship.

I was about to curl into a fetal position and sob my eyes out for the nth time since our break up three months ago when I was struck by the realization of what I was about to do.

'No! I've cried over him so many times. Enough is enough.'  I affirmed in my head as I shot up from my laying position and held back some tears.

'No! I won't long for him.' I was further encouraged as I kicked the covers off my body and walked over to my full-length mirror.

'And no, I will no longer let my insecurities cripple me into a dysfunctional crybaby.' I stared head-on at my reflection.

Being self-conscious never got me anywhere - it only made my relationship and self-esteem crumble.

*flashback*

"Are you done?" Rei asked from outside my bathroom door. I muttered a small yeah as I stared at my reflection, trying my hardest to like the pitiful girl staring back at me. I raked a hand through my goddess braids, contemplating whether I should tie my hair in a bun or let it down.

"Any time now, Lanelle."

"In a minute!" I shouted out of frustration as I settled on letting my hair down. I grabbed my powder brush and dabbed it on my t zone which was already beginning to look oily. I set my makeup brush down and forced what was supposed to be a smile on my face as I looked in the mirror. However, my forced smile was short-lived as the more I stared at my reflection, the more I could see all of its imperfections despite the amount of concealer I had slabbed on. No amount of makeup could measure up to how pretty his exes were and that realization has been knocking down my confidence lately.