"I can't remember what happened that night. I'm not talking slippery details or fuzzy-edged visions; I mean a complete and utter blackout. Like I wasn't even there. Except... I know I was."
Since the death of her boyfriend six months ago, Morgan Cai...
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"Hanna, I need your advice."
There. I'd finally said it.
It had only taken me twenty minutes to work up the courage. I was only saying it now, in the safety of the darkened dorm room, because Hanna had already brushed her teeth and let her head hit the pillow, and the girl had an enviable knack for slipping into a near-coma in thirty seconds flat. If I didn't beat her brain to it, who knew when I'd get my next chance?
She lifted her head, and already my face was flushing in the dark.
"Yeah? What about?"
I paused. Eyes fixed on the ceiling, Hanna in my peripheral vision. Then: "I think I'm going to have sex with Josh soon."
This time, she didn't just lift her head, but prop up her entire body on her elbow. If she'd been close to sleep before, that definitely wasn't the case any longer. "You are?"
"Yeah."
Now I'd said it aloud, the idea seemed to settle better in my head. Maybe because, out in the open, it wasn't being suffocated by internal deliberation—tied into tangled knots every time my mind went back and forth. I'd finally given it a little space to breathe.
It was hardly a wild thought in the first place. Josh and I had been dating for two months now: enough time for the concept of having a boyfriend to stop feeling so unusual and instead just a normal part of my life. The physical side was no exception. Affectionate pecks had turned easily into passionate kissing, and his hands on my waist became my body pinning him to the mattress with almost no thought at all. Every time we seemed to edge closer—and the weirdest part was that it didn't freak me out anymore.
Partly because it was Josh, and I trusted him more and more every day.
But also partly because it was, well, fun.
I knew what we were leading up to would be fun, too... but that didn't mean I wouldn't feel better with a few pointers from someone wiser.
"When did this happen?" Hanna asked.
"When did what happen?"
"This change of heart. You used to freak out when I mentioned it. I could see it in your eyes. But now you're here, telling me it's going to happen. Something changed."
I frowned, still not sure what she was getting at. "Nothing changed. Except me, I guess. I just... realized I wanted to do it?"
Hanna reached over and flicked a switch; suddenly, the lamp on her bedside table flooded the room with light. "Right answer," she said, sliding her eye mask over her forehead and sitting up fully. "If you'd have said anything else, we would not be having this conversation. But here you are. Ready to bone. I'm so proud."
"Hanna!"
"Sorry," she said, not sounding sorry at all. "So what do you need me for?"
