P U L S E

The Makings Of Me

It was Saturday morning and for the first time i was actually spending time at home. I didn't feel like going to the office even though i had so much to do. All I wanted to do was be lazy today but my assistant and only close friend, Cassandra kept calling me with all kinds of questions about when we're going to be working on this new publication house i wanted to open. Being a media mogul, I always wanted to come up with new and innovative ways to grow my legacy. Business was very important to me. It was all I knew and being great at it was a given that it would take up all my time.

"Cassie, for the last time, I'll see you on Monday. Please stop calling me with office matters." I spoke as I felt myself close to losing it. I was normally a very calm person but for some reason I felt a little snappy today. Probably because I was determined not to do anything today.

"Ok Miss Moore, I'm sorry I'll leave you to enjoy your Saturday."

"Cassandra! What did I say about calling me Miss! We know each other, remember."

"I know but I'm calling about business. I'm being professional Shay."

"Girl bye, I'll talk to you on Monday."

I hung up and switched my phone off. This was unlike me. I never took a day off but I was feeling a bit drained. All i wanted was some time to myself. I really enjoyed being alone but I didn't get much alone time since I was always busy but once I came home, I enjoyed my space too much. I didn't understand why some women were so needy for attention from men. I get more done without one by my side. My predictions for my future never included me being with anyone and i wanted those predictions to come true.

I went into the kitchen and got some orange juice and sat on the island in the middle of the kitchen. My mind wondered over the past few years of my life. The things I had to sacrifice for my success today. The cold hearted person it made me.

I'm Shay Marie Moore, daughter of Michael and Sharnel Moore. My father was a media mogul, owner of Moore Media Inc. My mom was a stay at home mother. Growing up life was great. I had everything I could ask for, parents that loved me and got a very good education. Because my parents never had another child it was expected that I would one day take over my father's position. My dad groomed me to be the best business woman I could be but this industry was tough and masculine. I had to cut off some of my emotions and constantly think with my head and not listen to my heart, it had gotten to the point where i felt like I didn't even have a heart. I was truly an image of my father. I valued everything he did and love didn't seem to be on his list so it never made it to mine.  Of course my father had my mom but i could never truly say i saw the love they had for each other. He looked at my mom in an admiring way but i never saw them hugged up on each other, kissing or even affectionate. If that was love, that's all i knew.

Two years ago my parents died in a tragic car accident on their way back from a dinner. I was 25 and I never could have prepared myself for that loss but I had to get over it and fill the empty spot my father left in his company. I was afraid at first but I knew my dad had groomed me well and I was able to take on what he left behind. It was a challenge at first, so many men looking at me like I was a young lady that knew nothing about this business but little did they know that I knew more than them. I had all the inside info my father left me behind.

My past experiences made me who I am today. Having to grow up and take on such a huge responsibility so young caused me to totally cut out things I deemed unnecessary such as; love, relationships and men. It wasn't hard to do since I only had a hard on for success and money. I could care less about having a man in my corner, he wouldn't be able to give me anything I couldn't give myself. They were only good for one thing though.

In my 27 years of existence I never had a boyfriend. Don't get me wrong, everyone has needs and I took care of mine best way I could. Sex was just a physical act to me, therefore I saw no problem with "hooking up" with men. However there weren't many, the 4 men I slept with were all men working in the same industry as me and word obviously got around that I wasn't worth it because 1 of those 4 men decided he wanted to fall in love with me. When I turned him down he put me on blast. Telling every one I was a "heartless bitch" which I am. I only get involved with someone for the physical and no emotions. I don't have time to give a damn about any man. All they wanted was to waste your time anyway.

About 6 months ago at a business conference in Atlanta, I met Bakari Jordan. Initially I thought that he was a very handsome man but the more I spoke to him that day the more I decided that everything between us will be strictly business. Because both me and him are based in New York, it was only natural that we team up to work on a few projects together. But the more time we spent together the more the lines got blurred. Don't get me wrong, those were physical lines because I was sexually attracted to him from the jump and I didn't know him well enough to know if he was the type that would be down for a situation where all he would get from me was pussy...i didn't have a heart. I couldn't give him more if he asked.

But it became clear that he was feeling me too and that made me want him alot more even though it was purely physical from my side i wasn't going to ignore that he was one of the good ones, Bakari is an amazing guy and would make any female truly happy and after last night, i knew how good he fucked, I just don't think our "friends with now benefits" situation will go any further. However I pushed all those thoughts to the side. I never felt any guilt about my actions, I wasn't going to start now. I just wasn't that woman.

I'm not made to love anyway...