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20th of December 1991
THE COLLEGE STUDENT
2 Timothy 4:16 "At my first defense, no one came to my support, but everyone deserted me. May it not be held against them."
Living with myself for twenty-one years has taught me many things. I know myself better than anyone else, from my weakest moments to my darkest hour. Solitude has always been my best friend, but with isolation comes overthinking.
Every time this happens, as if it's routine, my mind wanders to Destiny, a child I used to babysit. She was Derek's daughter, the first man I had a crush on, but he was so negligent. He and his wife never paid their child any mind and couldn't give a damn about her wellbeing. I was there to fill in the gaps, I was a teenager trying to be a mother-figure to someone else's child.
Ain't that something? I could barely take care of myself and I had to teach a girl how to be something I wasn't: a woman. At least the parents paid me to be there.
Her favorite holiday was Christmas and I would always go to see her today. She was big on dolls and I would always get her a collection of them or a dollhouse, just anything that had something to do with dolls. She deserved the world and I wish I could've watched her grow to be somebody more than just another statistic.
She deserves to still be here, but it's too late for all of that. All of that wishing, hoping, and praying got me nowhere at all. The only person who knows about everything, or almost everything, is Angie.
Just about half of the people on campus have gone home with Lala being one of those people. Whenever I had the time, I would help her pack her things, and yesterday, she went down the road to head back to Texas.
My stomach grumbles and I look down at it, knowing that my body is starving, but I just can't hold anything down to eat. I don't even remember the last time I ate because I didn't eat yesterday. If I remember correctly, the last time I ate was with Michael. Usually, if there's no one there to remind me or force me, then I won't eat. Weight jumps on me easily, but it's so hard to lose.
When I'm having one of my bad days, I tend to avoid doing anything besides laying in bed and watching television. I want to cry, but I just don't have enough energy to do so. My mind goes back to what happened in my dorm room several days ago and I wonder what I could've done to salvage my friendship. What could I have done differently?
There comes a point in time where everyone cannot be the problem, I have to look within. Maybe I am a prude and I don't value my friendships enough, that's why I lose my friends as quickly as I earn them. We were only friends for three years. It's not easy for me to get comfortable with people, I tend to be shy, but when I'm with my friends, I try to be fun.
