Cross Me Out || Sebastian Stan FF

Chapter 12 - Eyeing the exits

Maybe my parents were right in taking every decision for me, from kindergarten to university. I had my whole life planned out even with my ex boyfriend. Mother and father loved Paul, they were so excited for me marrying a man whose life is all figured out. Maybe me starting to make decisions about my life is the worst thing that could have happened to me. Sure, I finally feel in control, but I never thought control could trigger my anxiety so much to the point of having panic attacks. I cannot call my parents now because they will just make me move back to Sibiu and I don't want that. I don't want to live so close to them.

Come on Y/n. It's a simple decision.
Yeah a simple decision that would rule my entire life from now on.
So make it. It's easy. You either work at Red Dots or go to that internship at Gamelink.
Look at the bright side though, you got both jobs.
Yeah and what good is that?
Just make the decision. You have until tonight to give Gamelink a response.
You could always call Sebastian and discuss with him.
I already know his advice. Swim with the sharks.
Good advice if you ask me. Gamelink could be the best thing that ever happened to you.
What about your professors? They will be let down if you turn down the offer at Red Dots.
I know that's why I don't know what to do. Red Dots is the clear choice. It's a lot of money, they also want to buy my project and want me to work on it too.
Gamelink is the thing you never thought you're gonna ever get to work at. Now you have the opportunity. What do you mean Red Dots is the clear choice?
I don't know... I don't kn-

I feel the air sucked out of the room and the only thing I hear is my heartbeat increasing. My vision gets blurred and I feel I am about to die. I try to take deep breaths but I feel my chest being daggered with every inhale. I feel my whole body shutting down and this glitch in the system is something I don't know how to fix. Oh God help me now because the walls are collapsing and I feel I'm getting stuck. I run to my phone trying to reach it on the table in my kitchen. I need music to overshadow every voice inside my head, but it's like this is the last action my body will ever do. Every muscle tenses up and the oxygen in the air feels like it's turned into carbon monoxide. I reach my phone and go to Spotify quickly to put the music that has always calmed my thoughts down.

Antivist by Bring Me The Horizon has had the strange effect of calming me ever since it was released, just like the cooler of a device keeps it from shutting down. I close my eyes and turn up the volume shutting off all the voices in my head. I feel my whole body gaining strength once the song is over and I know I cannot let my mind think about the job options as it will be the third time today I will go into a panic attack. I need to do anything else.

I call Tina and tell her to meet me at our favorite coffeehouse. I need a friend, a real friend. I've been living inside my head for way too long now. I need to discuss with someone that I can actually see in front of my eyes.
"Here I thought you would be on the ninth cloud, but honestly Y/n, you look like crap. What's up with you?" I hear her ask me as we're sitting down and I shrug.

"I'm not even going to get into that subject. How are you? When do you have to take the bar?" I ask her and she sighs placing both hands on her head.

"I'm not sure I want to talk about it. If your plan was to bring me down too, I think it's already working." She whines looking at me.

"That bad?" I ask somehow feeling better. I guess it's true what they say, misery does loves company.

"Mhm. I mean you guys all are going to interviews, you can all start your adult life finally and here I am still studying for exams. All I do is study, I came here today because I felt I was going to have a meltdown if I stayed between those four walls." Tina tells me and I give her a weak smile.