Confronting Fear

Guilt

Nobody said it was easy
Oh, it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard
I'm going back to the start

The Scientist- Coldplay

Burying the instinct to board his own ship and chase her down beneath a mountain of self-control, Ben stared into the deep space beyond the hangar exit long after the small ship carrying half of his soul disappeared from view.  Rey was a calming center and he already felt on edge from her absence, but that was his issue, not hers. He had grown to trust Rey and that meant trusting her to keep her promise to come back to him. Not long ago, this very concept would have been unthinkable, but something had changed deep within him since Bracca, he hoped for the better.

Yesterday had started early with a Council meeting wherein they spun the story that she was going to be visiting known Sith and Jedi temples that would take her away for days at a time. They spent the evening working on the mystery of the dagger and holocron but had gotten nowhere before ending up in his bed.

Today had begun with Rey kissing him awake and now she took her leave. They had agreed to keep their minds at least partially open to each other, allowing for them to communicate as though they weren't separated by millions of miles. The familiar weight of her in his mind bringing him some comfort, battling the other voice in his head.

She's tricked you. She's going back to the Resistance, back to him.

While he normally embraced the Dark part of his nature, Ben was determined not to let it win this time. His long ago conversation with Ahsoka had taken on new meaning for him, which he was determined to apply to his new dual existence as Ben Solo and Kylo Ren. He had come to understand the Dark had its place, but not in matters where Rey was concerned. It was threatened by her Light and would battle against it in the interest of self-preservation; a battle it could not be allowed to win.

Leia stared out of the duraglass window of the cruiser Fulcrum which housed her office. Rey was arriving today and Leia had no idea how to face her. Many missions had failed in the past, leading to casualties and near-death for far too many, but this was different. She had not just made a mistake, she had made one of the biggest mistakes of her life and nearly gotten her best people killed, for nearly nothing.

Sure, the J-type star skiff was important as had been the supplies it held, but not worth the lives of her best fighters. Poe had been very adamant about that. Anger at one another was common in the complicated relationship they had as General and Commander, but never had she seen Poe harbor as much rage and resentment as he had when they returned, once again without Rey.

Guilt and grief had wracked her body and mind, at a loss until word had arrived, supposedly from Ben of all people, that Rey would live.

Ben. Another of her failures, not as a general but as a parent. Now Rey was paying for those mistakes, a burden she never would have wished upon her. But, the Force had chosen her, had bonded Rey to Ben. None of this was an accident, of that she was certain and she had long ago learned to trust the Force's wisdom in such things.

When Poe showed her his wrist comm, the words She will be fine illuminated in green against the black screen, she had thought she might well faint from joy. Joy not only that Rey would recover, but that Ben had cared enough to answer. Something had happened and she was not sure what, but she did have a clue.

Leia had felt a stirring in the Force the day Rey fell on Bracca, something she couldn't identify but that was surely significant. It was nothing like when she felt Luke or Han die, if anything it was the opposite, as though life was being brought into the world instead of being taken from it. Now that Rey was returning, she had so much to ask her.