All Four Of Me

Chapter 18

KENZIE

"There is no such thing as an evil alter, Kenzie." Dr Miller explains for what feels like the twentieth time since I first asked my original question.

At first, I just wanted to see if he had any explanations as to why I have never been aware of my alter personalities, the question seemed harmless enough, however I hadn't factored in the million other questions that would arise from the answer I received. That is how I ended up asking Dr Mille the one question that had been tearing my brain apart for weeks.

Is it possible to have an alter that wants to hurt other people?

Dr Miller then went on to explain the negative stigma surrounding Dissociative Identity Disorder and how it often stems from lack of education surrounding the illness as well as the portrayal of alters as malevolent beings in pop culture such as horror movies and other forms of fictional media which influences people to believe that people who suffer from the disorder are violent and/or dangerous.

According to Dr Miller, the majority of alters studied in this particular disorder are similar to your average person, each having its own name, age and personality. There is no solid evidence to suggest that any alters are specifically "evil" or "dangerous".

Some aspects of his argument make sense, however I am not entirely convinced that he is correct about my alters being harmless and that is why we have been unable to move forward in our session without doing a complete three-sixty back to that topic. His reassurance and sound logic have done nothing to sway me from my stubborn mindset and it frustrates me that I am unable to accept his explanation and let it go.

"If that's the case, then why does my life seem to fall apart every time one of mine takes over?" I challenge him once again, gripping my fingers around the stress ball in my pocket and giving it a squeeze to ease some of my anxious energy as I wait for his response.

"Lack of support, the people around you having no knowledge or understanding of your condition and therefore having no strategies to assist in minimising the effect of your alters on both your own and their personal lives. All of these things could contribute to your negative experiences with your alters and in turn play a role in the way you perceive them as a result." He offers, tapping his pen on the edge of his notepad gently as he thinks it through.

It still isn't the answer that I am after. I need to know if one of my alters is capable of acting maliciously towards other people, or say, painting a giant dick on someone's driveway because that someone pissed it off.

"Is there a chance that one of my alters is a bad person?" I ask the question outright this time, hoping that he doesn't misunderstand my enquiry again.

"I have seen both of your alters first hand and neither of them are harmful or vicious in any way, shape or form." He responds, pushing his glasses further up the bridge of his nose while leaning forward in his seat.

"How can you be certain that there are only two of them? What if there is another one we don't know about and it is hellbent on destroying my life?" I press, starting to grow frustrated with his answers because none of them seem to offer me any closure.

If Dr Miller is starting to get annoyed with all my questions he doesn't show it, instead, his perfectly calm demeanour remains in place the entire time as he properly considers his answers. I like that he doesn't say the first thing that pops into his mind to try and force me to accept his opinion, but at the same time I am finding it difficult not to show my annoyance when he turns the questions back around on me. If I knew the answers I wouldn't be asking him for his opinion.

"It is very possible that you may have other alters that haven't manifested themselves yet, however I don't believe that he, she or they would purposely draw that type of negative attention towards you and I am almost certain that they wouldn't want to jeopardise your safety in any way." He answers smoothly.