I MEAN IT

chapter 12

I remember kissing August, playing that game and him asking me to touch myself. I don't know how I feel about that. He probably thinks I'm a slut. I don't know how he feels about me trying to get to him. He hasn't spoken to me since that night and I haven't tried either because I am embarrassed. Good thing though, I get to spend a lot of time with my dad, Willy and Mershy. I think my anger flourished into rose and my mum is finally herself. I would like to know how chemotherapy is working for my dad and how long it'll take for him to be okay because he should be okay. He must be okay. For me. I wouldn't bare another loss.
Everyday though, I wake up with an empty feeling in my heart and body. There's a heavy weight in my head and I'm too worried about my final exams yet too distracted to concentrate. Tomorrow is Willy's birthday and I am so excited he's finally going to be two years. Able to do a lot by himself without me tossing him to bed and cleaning his shit. I brought up a baby you see! Becky would have made it merrier. I tend to make occasions dull and boring, but well, because I am not used to all of the drama. My mum says I should invite a few of my friends and I'm thinking about one or two since Steny and Jackie broke up and inviting both of them will make the whole situation awkward for them. Furthermore, the party will be just brief. It's a kid's birthday anyway, so they don't expect liquor or drugs; Just home made food, snacks and a little wine. Although I want so bad for everything to be merry and happy, Since Brian broke up with me I have been very sulky and emotional it'll be a relief to enjoy and set aside my loss for the gain of it.

"You coming to help me bake this cake or not!"  My mum calls from the kitchen and I lazily scamper her way.

"I don't know what got into you. Normally you hated soap operas but this days it's hard to get any of y'all attention."

I guffaw, "blame dad. He did this to me."

"Did what? What did I do this time! If it's the baking powder on your back I swear I had nothing to do with it." He says dandling Willy on his shoulders and I'm made aware of the hidden.

"Jesus dad! Why would you let him do this to me. I swear I'll ruin his cake or his hair with cla-

"Peace in the kitchen please? No one is ruining or doing nothing just baking a beautiful cake and making sure everthing is in order before it's ten." My mum cuts in being the peacemaker but that doesn't keep me from making a threatening face. Willy pouts. It's cute.

"Who else will be at the party apart from Miller and his wife?" I ask curiously silently hoping but knowing deep down rick will be among the anticipated guests but again praying that Brian complains it's a lame party and finds something better to do because last thing I want is to see him show up at my brother's party with his new girlfriend.

"Rick and his family will come! And a few of my workmates. Two of my friends from Fuleh will also show up. I don't want it to be a big party. We barely have enough space in the living room."  She answers solicitously and yeah I understand why Brian has to come! I just nod in agreement.

"Please don't tell me you invited your entire school! It's not a grand opening for a mall!"

"Infact the principle will attend!"  I tease and she gives me the look of are you insane?

"Yes what! "
We both laugh delicately but briefly and I say, " I think I'll have two friends over! Pam and her boyfriend."
"That's okay! " She answers thinly and I'm suspiciously surprised she doesn't ask me about my boyfriend. Why would she anyway. She probably is aware I'm not with Brian anymore. He stopped coming over. My mum's not dumb.

~
Everyone will be here in a few hours and I'm so excited for my brother that I can't sleep. I've been reading The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde it's impossible not to turn a page after the other. I want to watch the sun rise today for with it comes a fresh year and a new joy for this little man I offered to sleep with in my room just this once. I'm glad I haven't slept because right now I'd probably be a sleep with his foot or butt in my mouth.
With the first ray, I'll wish him all the good tidings before anyone else and that'll be my joy and blessing.
I also have to be ready to face Brian and his mature lady. I must look my very best and carry out myself with coordination he won't doubt for a second that I even need him. I have picked out my most recent decent gold dress and that's all. I'm not going to try too hard for someone I'm getting over. Happy to say I'm a little bit nervous and excited for the event. I want it to be perfect.