Wild Side || N.S.

★ fifty three ★

          I was overwhelmed with emotions and I could feel myself wanting to cry at the sight of Nikki standing right in front of me. I could feel my heart wanting to leap right out of my chest. Oh, nope. Nope. That's vomit wanting to come out of my throat, what the hell?!

Before I could get any more lovey dovey with Nikki, I pushed past him and booked it to the tiny bathroom in our tour bus -- despite the boys all calling my name in confusion. I made it to the toilet just in time, slamming my knees to the tile floor (which hurt like a bitch, I might add) and emptied the contents from my stomach. 

I could hear murmurs from the guys talking among themselves, probably wondering what the hell was going on. I was in the same boat as them. I haven't been drinking. I didn't eat anything new that I knew of. Nikki and I haven't had sex in a little while and we ALWAYS use protection so pregnancy isn't a concern of mine. Maybe it's my anxiety and nerves? 

I heard the door slowly shut and the voices of my band mates grew quieter and more distant. What I did hear loud and clear were footsteps making their way over to me and then soon after I felt all of my hair being pulled up and held in who I assumed to be Nikki's hand and his other hand was running up and down my back in a soothing manner. 

"Let it out, baby" Nikki said softly, continuing to soothe me the best he could. 

After a little while longer, I pulled away from the toilet and sat back on my butt, my back against the cool wall of the bathroom. Nikki took a seat right next to me. "What was that all about, babe?" 

"I have no idea," I muttered, feeling absolutely disgusting. "sorry you had to see that." 

Nikki laughed softly, wrapping his arm around my shoulder, bringing me closer to him. "Oh don't be such a little baby, puke doesn't scare me" 

I chuckled in response, staring at him in admiration. The whole time I was staring at him, it felt like every moment we have shared was running through my mind. I couldn't help but smile. 

"What?" he asked, a smile growing on his gorgeous face.

I shook my head at how silly I was acting. "I just... I love you, Nikki." I admitted. It didn't feel forced. It didn't feel weird to say at all. It felt right. This felt so right. 

"I love you too Maria" his smile grew and I could feel that mine was mirroring him. 

"I really want to kiss you, but I should definitely brush my teeth first" I acknowledged, making Nikki laugh that laugh that I adored so much. 

"Good idea babe" he stood up and helped me up to my feet, then shuffled over so I could get to my toothbrush and clean myself up. 

I had finished brushing my teeth and was now spitting out the mouthwash that had been in my mouth into the sink when Nikki spoke up. I had noticed him in the mirror a moment ago, his face looking rather pensive.

"Do you remember that one night when we all went out to the bar, when you were with Slash?" he asked randomly. I looked at him through in the mirror, my left eyebrow raising up in confusion at where he was going with this question. "Do you remember when I said to you that you were pathetic and so desperate to be loved?" 

The memory stung a little bit but I slowly nodded my head at his answer, intrigued as to where he was going with this. "Well, when I told you that, I was wrong. It's me who's pathetic and so desperate to be loved. I was projecting that onto you which wasn't fair and I'm sorry" 

I smiled softly. "Nikki, it's okay. You clearly were hurting and were upset that I was stringing Slash along in front of you. I'm really sorry about that." I admitted, turning around and leaning my back against the bathroom sink counter so I could get a better look at him.

He shook his head quickly. "You shouldn't be sorry about that. I wanted you but had Vanity and definitely fucked with your head. It's just that well-- you're just fucking perfect, okay? You've been there for me through a lot. I've put you through so much and instead of walking away you stayed. And you helped me, you fucking helped me. If anything, you should've killed me for what I have put you through."

I felt tears brimming my eyes as I heard him speak his mind. "I told you that I'm not like everyone else. You can't get rid of me that easily." I reminded him, laughing softly. He laughed at this. 

"I know, and I love it. I love you. Maria, you're everything I want in this crazy world. It took me way too long to realize this but I guess it's cause I never ever thought I'd find anyone that loved me -- like actually loved me." He had taken a small step back and shoved his hands into the pockets of his jean jacket, rustling them around. 

Once he had found what he was looking for, he took in a deep breath and exhaled shakily. "I was planning on doing this in a more romantic setting," he said as his eyes scanned the bathroom, making me laugh. "but this just feels right. It's raw. It's real. It's us. So on that note," and right before my eyes, Nikki got down to one knee, making my eyes widen to the size of dinner plates. "Maria Alejandra Ramos, will you marry me?" 

Holy fucking shit.

. . .

A/N: I know, I KNOW. Long time no post AND I leave you with a cliffhanger. I truly am a bitch. 

Hello, hello, hello. Sorry that I have been away but it was very much needed. I've been taking care of my mental health, my physical health, and just doing what makes me happy. I've started up a thrifting business, I've started learning how to tattoo, I'm applying to go back to college in an online setting so it doesn't fuck with my anxiety, I turned 24 on August 1st, and I hit my first full year of sobriety on August 15th. So yeah, a lot going on for this chick.

I think what really motivated me was seeing that Nikki's band Sixx AM re-released their song "Maybe It's Time" (aka my sobriety anthem) with SO many of my fave artists. It made me cry like a baby, in the best possible way. I was nervous to get back to writing this book cause I figured it was going to trigger so many different things for me. But I am going to finish this book. It's my baby, and I love it dearly.

Thank you so much for your patience, see ya in the next chapter! xo