my poisonous yearning

Smile and laugh

On the way to the shops I remember my nan asking so many questions. And you giving brief answers, while I fidgeted with my hair, twirling my curls between my fingers. Feeling a rush of blood going to my cheeks.

We parked on the top floor near the movie theatre, I remember when I stepped out of the car and turned around. How you looked straight at me. So intensely yet so softly.

We were half way to the entry to the shopping centre. Until my nan forgot to lock the car. She ran back to the car while we stood together on the side of the road, only a few steps apart. I remember feeling a flush of warmth, the same as the summer sun. When you would look at me. No words just your eyes. Golden brown like a pool of honey in the sun.

Just small talk "how was the train ride here", you always gave short responses. I would usually find it annoying or rude. But with you, it just drew me in more.

My nan caught up and we all went to Ikea, we grabbed a tray and lined up. Then I needed to relieve myself. I let my nan know and went to the bathroom. I remember seeing your eyes at the back of my head, watching me walk away.

When I got to the toilet I remember sitting and overthinking "Does he like me?" "There is romantic tension between us right?" "Should I have just stayed at home with my nan?" "Should I be doing this?". I was so unsure if seeing you was the right thing to do.

I got out of the stall, wash my hands and made my way back into the line. I had a feeling you could sense my presence. It was crowded with lively conversations between families. I couldn't even hear my steps. Yet when I got closer you turned and looked back at me. And I saw something in you light up. Hope.

I remember by the time we paid for the food and sat down my nan had to leave for work. Unlike other teens. I was not ashamed or embarrassed of showing affection to my nan as I hugged her good bye.

I also remember sitting across from you, at a table away from everyone else, from that height we were able to look down the stairs that led down to the bottom level of IKEA.

We shared fries and chicken nuggets, meatballs with smashed potato. I remember ordering salad even though the other night I told you how much I love junk food.

I remember when you saw me put it on the table you looked up at me and smirked with a little giggle. Your smile made my heart light up like a lighter in a dark room.We then ate and played footsies under the table as if we were little six graders.

But my strongest memory is your smile and laugh. The way your lip lifted up on one side when you smiled showing your top teeth and your eyes squinting slightly. The way you laughed after every lame remark I made, made me keep going because I just couldn't get enough of your smile and laugh.