Hello Adventure

Chapter 30 - Zermatt, Switzerland

I texted an apology to the team and told them I was on my way to Zermatt ahead of schedule—"Need to get a head start on our work there," I lied.

No one texted me back, and I knew it was because they were pissed at me for missing the shoot. I knew I was in trouble, but I was driven forward by something else.

The essay sat on a jump drive, and it was burning a hole in my pocket like something hot and dangerous. I wanted it out of my hands now. I wanted it done and over with.

Staring out the train window, watching the world go white and cold, I held my phone in my upturned hand, but Dale wasn't going to return my call, was he?

I would try it again after I dropped off the essay. I'd explain I wasn't lying when I said it was done with Seb, but until I handed him the essay it wasn't really over. But he'd know the truth soon, and that thought was my light just then, keeping me moving forward, forcing my hand.

The long, trembling train ride through north Italy gave me all this horrible time to think about what exactly I was doing. And I hated every second of it; my heart felt like it was just about to rupture. But I truly believed this was my only way out. I wouldn't have been doing it otherwise, now would I?

The only thing that made me smile was reading Brooke's blog post on Zermatt ("Snow Bunny 101: Cute ways to show skin on the slopes" and "Affordable Zermatt—Totes Just Kidding!: Here's why you should never go to Zermatt on a budget"). I read to distract myself from the horrible reality of what I was about to do.

Half a day later, the train reached Zermatt. Once I arrived, I didn't bother stopping at the hotel. I went straight to Seb's chalet. The rest of the crew were flying in this afternoon when we'd have our first shoot, and I didn't want to let them down again and miss it.

I walked through the car-free center of town to the chalet. It was gray out and the temperature was dropping, frosting over the slimly wet streets. I felt like I was having an outer body experience. I was watching myself walk down the street. Sick to my stomach, I put one foot in front of the other willing myself forward. I licked my cold, chapped lips, pushing down the sick feeling. I knew I needed more sleep. I got maybe a few hours last night, but it wasn't enough. I was shaking all over.

Come on, Sloane. You're so close to this just being over, I egged myself on as I approached the chalet, willing myself to just push through and end it—no matter how much my body was fighting it.

Seb opened the door to his chalet. "Ma souris."

"Never call me that again," I told him, stepping inside. "I know what it means."

"You're early."

"No, I'm late. This has gone on for far too long."

"Oh no!" Sebastian bared his palms in mock horror, shaking them in my face. "So that's how you're going to be?"

I never noticed how sharp he could be, how his eyes braced and iced over like that, becoming something menacing, almost ugly. At that moment, it was hard to ever think I once found him attractive.

He walked away, leaving me in the doorway. Reluctantly, I closed the door behind me and followed him into the living room. He had a fire lit and the landscape of the mountains through the giant window was enough to make me forget all about why I was here—for a split second anyway.

"Want some?" Seb took a pull on a joint and then held it out to me.

"You know why I'm here, Seb, and it isn't to get high with you." My whole body was cold and shaky. The deed was making me physically ill. I spread my fingers in front of my face—they were whitish-gray, cold like stone.