Utterly Forgettable | MM Romance | Complete

Forty-Five: You Know Nothing 3/4

He saw it as a kindness, then. The thing that had hurt Josh the most — that Emery had let him admit to wanting him before inexplicably offering him money — Emery saw as a kindness. He supposed it might be, from Emery's perspective. Not driving anyone to consider something they'd never have forgiven themselves for if the offer hadn't been extended.

"You might be surprised to find out that, in the years between Si— Vincent," he corrected firmly, "and you, no one ever said no. Some, at first, but they always came back in the end. The amount I offered was a powerful motivator. And you, you were... You were more dangerous to me than anyone I'd ever been with." Emery closed his eyes tightly for a moment, Josh still frozen in place, having lost the ability to form words.

"All the others — not that there were that many — were people I'd met socially, on the outside. Friends of clients, or Roger's acquaintances... Men I felt attracted to on a mere physical level, who I'd never take home. A few hours in general, the odd repeat encounter, and the itch was sated without risk. You... You met Emma from the start. You were living in my house. My house," he repeated with an incredulous half-laugh. "I'd walk in the kitchen in the morning and there you'd be, brewing your coffee. I never drank so much coffee in my life — any excuse to be around you was welcome.

"You'd come to my office at night, to report on Emma, and, for the preceding hour, I couldn't think of anything else. I thought up pretexts to have you stay longer every night. I bought cases of the drinks you're so fond of, to be able to see the look of pleasure on your face when you drank them. And I could always picture you there, no matter what — with or without Emma, I could always picture you: in my kitchen, in my office, in my life. I never meant to offend you. Never meant to make you feel disposable. But I knew the gap between us."

The tenderness in his voice took Josh's breath away.

"You're incredibly handsome, Josh. You're Prince Charming, and I'm the villain's sidekick's third cousin, twice removed: utterly forgettable. You're as smart as I am, far more handsome, what was the only equalizer left? Money. There was very little I wouldn't have offered you, for the privilege of being with you, for however long you would have me. And I didn't think I'd have any hope of holding your interest once the novelty wore off.

"It's why I didn't simply put forward a number — any number I could think of seemed too little, and I thought, I thought... If you were in control of that, maybe you'd... I don't know. Stay longer, perhaps. But I ruined any chance I might have had instead."

Emery was... Was that a tear, making its way down his cheek?

"That ship has sailed, as you so aptly put it. And it'll always... You'll always be my biggest regret. I can't imagine we'll be the same after this. You'll pull away now, and who could blame you? It's what I'd do in your shoes. Too much baggage between us, and you've carried me through more than enough already. I never meant to burden you with this, but I couldn't stand hearing you speak of him that way."

Emery had come to the end of his tale, and Josh was still numb. He was certain he ought to be reacting differently, somehow, but he felt himself functioning on autopilot. He nodded for lack of a better thing to do, then managed to croak, "Thank you. For telling me. I..." He needed to process this, and he couldn't even begin, not with Emery standing right there. Josh needed a few moments to breathe. "I should go now."

Emery offered him a tight smile, tinged with regret. "Of course. Thank you. For..." he waved, encompassing the tiny studio, alluding to much more. "Everything. For everything."

Josh nodded again, an empty bobble head with no words. He walked out the door, closing it behind himself, only to stand stupidly waiting for an elevator he couldn't be sure he'd actually called yet.

What must it have been like for Emery, to hear that kind of hatred from a man he'd been engaged to marry? Someone he'd loved, someone he'd mourned, who'd have said all the right things before that moment? Someone for whom Emery had willingly endangered himself, by dropping off the ransom as instructed?

Was it any wonder Emery had retreated? And — no matter what he said aloud — it was clear Vincent's words had left a deep mark on Emery. How else could a man so filled with passion, so brave, so loving, see himself as unable to hold someone's interest beyond his ability to pay them?

By now Josh was sure he hadn't called the elevator, but he made no move to press the button. He just needed a few moments to sort out his feelings and, for once, running didn't seem like the ideal way to do that.

Hadn't he been running long enough?

'But I ruined any chance I might have had instead,' Emery had said. 'You'll always be my biggest regret,' Emery had said. Josh had been jumping from one theory to the next, but there was no denying Emery's words. Mark had been right. Emma had been right. Emery had loved him.

Probably loved him still, Josh realized, heart beating so fast it was painful to breathe. Because, if Emery still loved him, then the last sixteen months made a different kind of sense, and maybe...

Had Josh really thought, less than an hour ago, that he was ready to stop feeling this powerless? He was — he had been — but that had been when he'd thought Emery wasn't an option. Now that Josh knew he was... 'You seem to think this guy is worth pretty much everything,' Mark had said, and he hadn't been wrong. Emery was worth the risk of heartbreak, of powerlessness, of losing control.

Josh hadn't been able to speak before — to ask, to leave himself vulnerable again — and yet, all that time, Emery had been doing nothing but offering up his own vulnerability, all he thought he had to give, with both hands.

Emery had been through the most unimaginable hurts relentlessly, one after the other, but he hadn't shut himself off the way Josh had over far, far less. Brave beyond measure, dedicated, loyal, passionate, giving. Always giving, and Josh had spent more than a year just taking and never giving back.

There was no need to ask why anymore. Emery had given him that as well, even though it humiliated him to do so. And if, after all that, Josh still took the coward's way out and did nothing? If he missed out on having the one man he'd ever loved in his life because it was safer? He wasn't sure if what he'd be doing after that could still be considered living.

What was he protecting himself from, anyway, other than Emery's perception? The pain was already tearing him to shreds. It couldn't hurt more. But, if he did something about it, if he risked it, then it could be... It could be everything. And he wanted that — wanted everything — more than he could ever describe. This time he'd reach for it.

Mind made up, he walked the short distance to Emery's door and rang the bell, banging his open palm against it and calling out Emery's name the very next second.