Utterly Forgettable | MM Romance | Complete

Forty-Six: Take Or Leave What You Will 1/3

Happiness wasn't something that came easily to Emery, something he knew how to accept. Even lying naked in Josh's arms, in the aftermath of everything they'd shared, his shoulders were tense. Josh kissed the juncture between his neck and shoulder, the spot he'd so often imagined placing his lips upon, palm splayed on his chest. "Hey. I can't help but wonder if I should feel my reputation is in danger. Did I do anything wrong?"

Emery intertwined their fingers, bringing Josh's knuckles to his lips. "Never. You did nothing wrong."

Josh would believe that when he saw a genuine smile again. "Then what is it?"

Vulnerable brown eyes met Josh's. "I don't think I know anymore how this part should go. You must understand. Simon — Vincent — was the last person I did this with whom I didn't pay, and he was playing a role. I don't know how to act after what you've so freely given me. You've done nothing wrong by any stretch of the imagination, but I don't know what happens next. Most of me is waiting for you to get dressed and leave."

Josh swallowed. He understood what Emery was implying, but it was still not an easy thing to hear. And the way Emery had stripped himself of all his defenses, to allow Josh to see through to his core, tore at his heart. Josh's voice was calm, careful not to turn a judgment-free question into an accusation. "Do you want me to pick up my things and go?"

"I said 'waiting,' not 'hoping'." He tightened his fingers around Josh's, inhaling deeply before continuing. "Never hoping. But I don't want you to stay if you don't... I don't know what tonight was. I know you wanted me, and I know... There's a reason why they call it 'sweet nothings'. Words exchanged in the height of pleasure aren't an accurate reflection of reality — they often lose their meaning once the act is done. And if..." He closed his eyes but couldn't hide the pain in his voice. "If all that happened between us was you getting me out from under your skin? I would spare you the awkwardness of waking here tomorrow. If you're... Done with me, now. If this is where it ends. So it's up to you to decide. Was this a beginning or an end, Josh?"

Damn words. Josh kept struggling with them — he'd been doing a lot of that in the last few hours, and it was all the sharper in light of Emery's eloquence — but that had to be in the past. By some miracle, despite all the pain Josh had put Emery through with his inability to voice things, Emery was right here, in his arms. This would never be an end unless that was what Emery wanted. He just needed a moment to find the right words.

Emery took his silence to mean something else. He opened his eyes, sad smile confined only to his lips, and made to extricate himself from Josh's arms. Josh tightened his grip, pulling him so they'd be skin to skin again. Emery's gaze fell away. "I believe I have my answer. Thank you for doing me the courtesy of not lying."

Josh needed them to be facing for this. His other hand cupped Emery's face tenderly, thumb brushing his cheekbone just below his glasses. "Hey. Can you look at me?"

Emery complied, eyes guarded. Preparing for Josh to crush him, no doubt, but Josh would do everything in his power to ensure he'd never cause so much as the tiniest of aches again.

"I love you," he said. The words that had been trying to escape him for years really did express all his feelings — he didn't know why he'd been so concerned with finding new ones. "That's what tonight was. We can go wherever you want from here, but the answer to your question, the answer to all your questions is 'I love you'."

The play of emotions in Emery's eyes was overwhelming, his face aglow in a way that, no matter what he said, made him look incredibly handsome in Josh's eyes. "You... Still? Even after the way I behaved then? Even after all this time?"

A kiss was Josh's immediate reply, heart racing as Emery pressed closer with a fierceness that put any lingering fear Josh might have had to rest. "Even though I fought against it with all I had. If you're so utterly forgettable how come I couldn't forget you no matter how hard I tried?"