Utterly Forgettable | MM Romance | Complete

Forty-Six: Take Or Leave What You Will 3/3

Even without the ability to see Emery's face he could feel the surprise his admission had caused. He could have stopped there. Emery would have let him, but the awareness this night had brought Josh couldn't be shaken away. Emery deserved everything. "But it's not an excuse either, being terrified, or having never felt this before. I don't have a good enough excuse—"

"Josh—"

"No, please," he insisted, afraid he'd never say everything Emery had a right to hear if he stopped now. "Please let me get this out. That night in your office, I... I should have asked you then and there. If that was a power trip, if you got off on getting people to say they were into you only to ask their price the next minute."

He could feel Emery's agitation even before Emery turned on the small light, nearly blinding Josh for a moment. "It was never that—"

"I know." He pulled Emery close again, blinking to try and get used to the light. This conversation would have been easier in the dark, but maybe that was a sign that it was better had this way. Josh's ease had done enough damage. "I know that now, but I didn't then, and I should have asked. If you'd been the kind of guy who did that I wouldn't have fallen for you, and if you weren't then there had to be a different explanation. I should have asked."

Emery looked on the verge of arguing, eyebrows slanted upwards, but Josh wouldn't let him. "I didn't ask because a part of me..." Josh let out another breath. All the dots he'd never connected were coming together in his mind, and the picture they painted of him was an unflattering one. "A part of me thought it was better that way. Thinking you just weren't worth it."

From combative to crestfallen in a heartbeat. The corners of Emery's mouth and his eyebrows were angled in the same downwards curve, expressive brown eyes moist. He swallowed convulsively before asking, "Why?"

Josh hated seeing that look in his eyes even for a second. "Because then it wouldn't be this. I've always had safe relationships. Nice, comfortable, low maintenance. What I feel for you..." He had trouble putting it into words but, looking at Emery, he knew he had to do more than try — he had to get it right. "You were supposed to be this guy who was more or less aloof and more or less stuck his foot in it with complete strangers, and who was a bit of an ass sometimes, and that was it. A footnote in the list of people I met. And instead you turned out to be... You."

He leaned his forehead on Emery's, relieved to see his ache was easing. "You turned out to be someone who made me want to know more about math." A kiss. "Someone who made me want to have a suit to wear." Tender hands on his face. "I don't do suits, Emery. I don't do math either. I don't... I don't listen to people reading poetry and forget the world's still turning, and I don't pretend my clients need daily reports when they don't. You made me want things I'd never wanted before, you still make me want things I've never wanted before, and you... You make me want all that so damn much that, when you aren't there, it hurts."

So much for not having the words. They kept coming now, one after the other, and Josh didn't want to stop. He wanted Emery to hear everything, to know everything. "I had it all figured out so it wouldn't hurt, and you went and tossed it out the window and rewrote the book. I've been trying to keep control of my life and you won't let me. And it took me this long to see that I'm glad you won't let me, because you're worth risking it all."

Emery's eyes were a mix of astonishment and yearning — as if Josh weren't already his down to his last molecule. He sucked in a breath before voicing, "You... You've seen me, Josh. All of me, every thought, every mundane thing that holds my interest. How can you—"