My girlfriend wants to go to the movies.
I ask her if we're watching Shrek.
She says no.
She says we're watching an action movie.
I hate her for it, but she is my girlfriend.
I make sure to rub myself with onions and wear a Shrek shirt.
I drive to her house and pick her up.
She asks why I always smell like onions.
I say Shrek is love, Shrek is life.
She just looks away.
We get to the movie theater.
We buy the tickets.
We walk into the movie theater.
She keeps away from me.
I ask her why you keep avoiding me.
She says I smell bad.
She smells bad.
Nobody likes flowery scents.
We get popcorn.
I ask if they have any onions.
They say no.
I get angry, but my girlfriend tells me to calm down.
We walk into the movie room.
They're playing previews.
We wait for it to come on.
Then the movie plays.
I see a lot of action.
A guy punches another guy in the face.
He gets back up.
I say that Shrek would've knocked him out cold.
She closes her eyes and takes a deep breath.
Then the guy says if the other guy wants a knuckle sandwich.
I say that Shrek would give him an onion sandwich.
She tells me to stop.
I say sorry.
Then it shows a scene with a girl in the shower.
I say Shrek would prefer a mud bath.
She says that's it.
She breaks up with me and leaves.
I get mad.
Very mad.
Shrek mad.
I call for Shrek.
He flys through the screen.
I tell him to beat up my ex girlfriend.
He shoves popcorn in her bra and sticks an onion in there.
She tries to kick Shrek.
But he kicks her.
She flys into the wall.
He says it's all ogre now.
He shoves an onion up her skirt.
I'm not sure which end it went through.
She falls down.
Then he jumps on her head.
His weight crushes her skull.
Her brain squirts out.
We leave the theater holding hands.
I give him a kiss on the cheek.
I tell him bye.
Then he flys into the sky.
Shrek is love, Shrek is life.
