With Dauntless Abandon

Chapter 5

She is nervous when she enters the visiting room, but his smile dispels her nerves. He kisses her sweetly. "Hi, baby," he says against her lips.

"Hi," she answers, and the word is a sigh. His hands are roaming again, tracing her spine and tangling in her hair, but she breaks the kiss. "We need to talk," she says when she can breathe.

He frowns. "What about?"

He moves to sit on a chair, pulling her into his lap-their usual position for serious conversations.

"I... know you don't want to talk about this, but we have to, okay?"

He sighs. "Oh boy."

"I think it's time you told me more about you... how you ended up here. Why. For how long." She frowns as she thinks about that. "How long are you supposed to be here, anyway?"

He swallows, looking away. "The only way I'm leaving here, Tris, is in a body bag." His words make her shake, and he rubs her back. "I'm sorry. You didn't need to hear it like that."

"Can you tell me... why?" she asks. Her voice is shaking, like she's about to cry.

"Murder," he says, his word clipped and flat.

She studies him. "That's it... just murder." Her voice is steady again.

"Just murder," he echoes. "I'm done with this topic."

"You didn't do it, did you?" she asks.

He glares at her so intensely that she is reminded of why she was afraid the first time she saw him.

She looks away from his glower. "If you ask Caleb what he did to get in here, he'll tell you exactly what he did, who he stole from, everything. If you ask any prisoner why they came, they'll give you the reason, not just the charge. But you are not a liar. You will never admit to something you didn't do. Will you?"

He stands so quickly that she almost falls off his lap. "Stay out of it," he growls. "I'm telling you to stay out of this."

"I... don't understand," she whispers. "Why are you in here if you didn't...?"

"I'm here because that's how shit happened. It doesn't matter anymore. My life was over long before I ended up in this place."

"I don't believe that."

"Well believe it!" He turns away from her, his hands gripping the bars so tightly, his knuckles are white. "I'm here because this is where I deserve to be. I will never leave, and I've accepted that. I'll never be good for you, and I'll never be with you, and that has always been the truth. But..." When he turns back, he sees that tears are running down her face, making it shine in the clinical fluorescent light. He grits his teeth. "See? This is the only thing I'll ever be good for."

"That's not true!"

"I thought you said I'm not a liar. Either I am, or I'm not."

"You're not a liar. You just... don't see yourself clearly."

"And you do?!" he snorts. "You've been blinded by this... lust, and this false sense of security, since the moment you saw me. I am not good like you think I am. I am not innocent."

"But you still didn't do it," she says, her voice coarse from her tears. "And I still... I still love you."

He shakes his head. "No. No, no you don't. You don't, and you can't. You can't, and you don't, and you won't love me because I am scum you found in a prison, not a man you're supposed to love."

"Bullshit!" she screams. "Do you think I care what you've done?! Do you think I care about the flame on your neck or the prison tattoos or the fact that you can't talk about your past? If I cared about any of those things that you believe make you so dirty and unlovable, I would have left when you told me and never come back!" She wipes her face with her hand. "Every time you've looked at me, every time you've kissed me, and touched me, it hasn't been some disgusting lowlife. It has been someone that is capable of amazing things. You aren't scum, and you don't deserve to be here." She draws a deep breath. "Four... I can help you. I can help you see the truth, and I can help you get out of here. Please... please don't put yourself down anymore. Please let me love you."