See In Him

24

⚠️⚠️TW⚠️⚠️ suicide attempt (he doesn't actually attempt, but nearly does)

——
    "Where are we?" Kennith asked. There were no lights anymore, not even from the dashboard. He was enveloped once again in complete darkness. He cursed his vision. "Colman Beach," Jesse replied. They were alone, save for one little sedan parked in the corner of the lot. Jesse liked the quiet and overlooking Lake Washington. Nothing could touch them there, like they were above the world in some supreme way.

  What the fuck was Kennith supposed to do other than apologize now? Jesse had set it up perfect, as if asking for an apology.  "I'm sorry," he managed, "...For starting what I did with your mom." It was pathetic, he knew, and sounded like a toddler trying to apologize, not because they were sorry, but because they were sorry they got caught.

  Jesse left him in utter shock by laughing.

  Kennith looked at him, mouth open slightly.

  "Sorry... sorry," Jesse said, still chuckling a bit. How could someone who said they were so sad be laughing at an apology?

  "I'm sorry. I really want to hate you. I do. It's just..."

  They both fell into silence. Both waited. Both grew even sadder as each second passed them.

  "It's okay if you hate me. I thought you did," Kennith whispered finally.

  "I do," the man replied quickly before he could catch himself. "But I... God, I hate you so much. For what you did. You ruined every chance I had with my family. Not that we were that great from the beginning, but it... I was tolerated."

  Tears burnt Kennith's eyes. Apologizing again would be futile.

  "And at the same time, I'm so fucking jealous. I wish so badly that I could do what you did. I tried to kill myself once because I couldnt man up and do what you did, and then you spend a day with my parents and send them running ith their tails between their legs." He didn't sound jealous, he sounded furious, mostly at himself. The self-hatred ran deep, Kennith realized, just like his own did. Still, Jesse wasn't done.

  "And I couldn't even man up this time. This time, I just had to go and invite you to this fucking park. I had a chance and I fucking ruined it, because I dont have enough guts to go through with it." Now, Jesse was sobbing. The tears had come on fast, faster than Kennith's had.

  Kennith didn't want to ask, but it couldn't be avoided, either. His voice cracked when he said, "Go through with what?" But he knew. Kennith knew when Jesse first invited him out to a random, empty park in the middle of the night.

  "I was gonna kill myself. You knew that, though."

  Both were quiet for a moment. Jesse tried to explain, in a way, after a moment. 

  "There's four bottles of aspirin and a bottle of Everclear in the bag under your seat. I thought this would be a nice place, you know? It was so fucking hard to decide where. Not at your house, not in some back alley, not with a bunch of people around. I can't do it during the day, then. And I want somewhere nice, somewhere I can... I can look at the ocean before." He couldn't breathe through the pain in his chest anymore, so he stopped to sob and release that pent-up agony.

  Kennith stared at his lap in horror. He couldn't breathe now, either. Memories were flooding back from his attempt; he had thought the exact same things at the time. Couldn't do it at home, couldn't  have Mom or Dad to find him, couldn't be somewhere he would be stopped or saved.

  "Barlow died," he whimpered once he could speak again.

  "What?" Kennith's head snapped up. Jesse nodded slowly.