Citlali [2]

2.8

(Edited)

I always knew I'd be killed one day, the thought wasn't new or scary. After all I had lived most of my life in a cell waiting for my own expiration date to come and even on earth the chances I would survive were slim.

The difference between now and before though was now I had something to fight for, I had a purpose, I even had a family. 

Hopefully after my death Raven and Malachi would be able to find some peace in the thought I died fighting for what I believed in, though I'm sure Raven will find anger and regret knowing I brought this death on myself.

I should have been smarter, faster, stronger, we all should have, but now this is how we'll die, executed for trying to fight a war amongst our people as another brews outside our boarders.

I wonder if Lincoln, Sinclair or even Kane are having these thoughts, if so they're certainly better at hiding it than me, choosing to give encouraging words to the other grounders in the cell with us instead of hunched over in the corner, thinking about every decision that got us here.

It's funny, on the Ark I always fought the guards when I thought I was going to die, fought for the chance to live and experience life and when I got to the ground, I was able to. On the ground though when I was faced with the idea of death again, I didn't fight with the same passion I used to. I had gotten the chance to live but I always wanted more time and my thoughts would always be occupied on what lead me to where I was, what decision I made, what I should've done to prevent things, it was like my life was flashing before my eyes in a montage of all my mistakes.

The same thing was happening right now.

Just yesterday in this very cell, I could have fought harder against Bellamy, not get distracted and let my emotions make me weak. Weeks ago I could have stood up against Pike at the election, make it so he wouldn't win to begin with. Months ago we shouldn't have put so much trust in the grounders.

So many things could've been done differently and could've prevented any of this from happening but what's done is done.

As guards enter, instructing us to back up, I'm brought back to almost a year ago on the ark when I was sure I was going to die, I fought then, against the two guards who had no real training in the field and only carried shock batons, difference now was these guards carried guns and knew how to use them.

Letting the guards place metal restraints on my arms and feet, not a single word is said between the four of us, not even as we're dragged out and escorted down the halls of Arkadia to our certain death.

I always thought my death would be more meaningful, like dying in battle, at least then it would have been an honorable death. 

Though I was fighting for what I believe in and what I think is right, that's what I want Malachi to remember, what I want him to remember me as, I just hope he doesn't remember the part I died for nothing, that nothing I did changed anything and instead just got people killed.