When Insecurity Knocks

Chapter 53

Taking care of Alayna is never something Eli and I will get used to. We thought we had this whole parent thing down but once we do things get even harder. She getting older, and the older she gets the more we have to adjust to how we have to care for her.

By three weeks Alayna starts smiling and Eli and I try to do anything we can to make her smile, whether it's silly and stupid faces or peekaboo. And as she continues to grow and learn how to focus on things and follow them with her eyes and even laugh; Oh my God  she has the most adorable laugh; Eli and I have become basically a private circus for our daughter. And once she learned to sit up on her own and contemplate what her hands are she starts applauding us.

Eli and I play with her a lot, we bought all kinds of toys like the rings you put on order on the stick and talking trains. We got her a collection of stuffed animals and the box where you have to put the shapes in the correct hole. She is always on the nursery floor playing with me while Eli is at work and then with Eli while I make dinner.

One day Eli comes to me in the kitchen with Alayna in his arm and he says, "look at this". He turns his head to Alayna, "wave at mommy" he says demonstrating himself. Alayna smiles and waves at me. I smile brightly and wave back. "Good job Layna, high five" he says and holds his hand out. She has her hand in her mouth while she stares at him, then she breaks into a large gummy smile and smacks his hand. "Ya!" He says and kisses her cheek. "Great job baby" I say holding my hand out for a high five and she smacks my hand as well.

Two weeks after that she starts slithering around the house on her belly. Now that she's mobile Eli and I begin baby proofing the house; we put foam on the corners so she doesn't bump her head, place a baby gate in the kitchen door, put socket covers over the outlets and make sure to vacuum the rug every day so she doesn't find anything and put it in her mouth.

By five and a half months she's crawling on all fours, squealing happily while she does so. She tries to chase Meatball around the house but she runs from her. Meatball is curious about Alayna and likes to sit in her room while she plays, but we try to make Meatball learn that she's not aloud to lick Alayna's cheek. Who knows what that dog eats while outside!

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I carry Alayna into the living room and sit with her on the couch. She is whining and tugging on my shirt because she's hungry. "I know you're hungry Layna, I'm sorry" I say and position her in my arms. I pull my tank top strap down and pull my arm out. I bring my baby up to my breast and feed her. I stroke her hair, "there we go, all better" I sigh and kiss her hand.

It takes about 10 minutes for her to finish breastfeeding and I sit her up on my thigh to burp her. Once she does her beautiful smile returns and I place her on the carpet on all fours. She giggles happily and crawls over to one of her toys. She sits in the middle of the floor hitting her xylophone with the stick. I fix my shirt, kneel down in front of her and put her pacifier that I pinned to her shirt in her mouth. She looks at me while sucking on it and continues to play. "I'll be in the kitchen sweety" I say and kiss her forehead. I step over the baby gate and take out a large pot from under the sink. I pour water into it and set it on the stove to boil. I stand on my toes to reach the highest cabinet which is where I find the lasagna noodles. I put them on the counter, find the spaghetti sauce and get the cheese.

I begin making dinner, boiling the noodles, spreading the sauce and grading the cheese. Once it's all done I put the pot of lasagna in the oven. I wash and dry my hands then head back into the living room where Alayna still occupied by her xylophone. The dog is sniffing her and then sits beside her. I sit down on the couch and turn on the TV. Alayna looks up at it then back down at her toy.

The front door opens a Eli steps in, "hey girls" he says and sets his bag down. Alayna sees him, spits her pacifier out so she can smile and puts her arms up. Eli picks her up, "hey baby girl" he says and kisses her over and over, "did you have fun today?" He asks and holds her high in the air. Alayna squeals and flails her arms and legs. Eli sits on the couch and kisses me then pulls me close to his chest. "How was your day?" He asks. "It was fine, in so tired though Alayna wouldn't take her naps so I didn't get mine" I say resisting the urge to close my eyes and sleep now that he's home. "OK tell you what, I'll take care of dinner and everything tonight, you go right to bed", "really?" I ask. "Of course babe you deserve your rest" he says and kisses my forehead. "Thank you" i sigh gratefully. I kiss his cheek, "there is lasagna cooking already" I say and bend over to kiss Alayna. "Alright I'll join you in an hour" he says. "OK" I say and head into our room. I throw back the blanket and collapse on to the mattress.

I love taking care of my daughter, but it's such a full time job. I never expected motherhood to be so hard. Every night Eli and I wake up to Alayna crying because she's hungry or has a full diaper, I bring her back to our bed to nurse and cuddle her until she falls back asleep. Eli leaves at 7:45 every morning and wakes me up with him so I'll have time too eat before Alayna wakes up around 8:00. She cries when she does until I come in and she sees me. I whisper soothing things to her as I lie her down and change her diaper, then sit on the couch in the nursery and breastfeed her for breakfast. I take her into the bathroom and bathe her in the bathtub then dry her off with her little towel, dress her in a onsie and let her play with her toys in the living room while I feed Meatball. Then I put her in her pink bouncer for her first nap while I use my breast pump to make bottles of milk for her. Once that's done I usually go online and research what I should expect from my baby soon. Now that she's five and a half months I can choose to feed her actual baby food and she'll start teething soon. Around noon I change her again, feed her a bottle for lunch and lie her down on our bed beside me so that she can have her second nap which is the one I usually take with her. She wakes up around 1:30 which is when I nurse her again and put her in the nursery to play while I set out Eli's outfit for the next day.

Afterwards I get dressed, dress Alayna and put Meatballs' leash on her, I strap it to Alayna's stroller and we all go for a walk outside. By 3:00 we come back. I get the stroller up the steps and untie Meatball. Then I take my baby out of the stroller and set her down while I put it away. I undress her, change her diaper if I need to, feed her a bottle then rock her to sleep for her last nap. This usually gives me time to relax until five which is when I start making dinner. When she wakes up she starts crying and I change her again and put her on the floor in the living room with her toys so that I can watch her while I cook. The time it takes to cook dinner depends on what I'm making. By 7:30-7:45 Eli comes home and plays with Alayna before we eat. Then after we eat he gets her ready for bed while I take a shower. He sits on the couch in the nursery with Alayna on his lap leaning back on him while he feeds her a bottle and slowly reads a book to her. Then he cuddles her and rocks her back and forth until she falls asleep. He puts her in her crib, turns on her nightlight then goes to take a shower himself while I put dinner away. We meet up in our bed and cuddle and talk until we fall asleep. Then we repeat our entire schedule the next day.

Eli and I haven't had sex once since our baby was born. In fact the last time I recall it we were on our honeymoon. And I know that we both want to, badly, but we can't because Alayna's room is parallel to our bed and it makes us feel weird to have sex while she's in the house. Maybe one day we should get someone to babysit her so that Eli and I can get a break together. I can tell we need it, I hear him at night, doing things to release himself off the erection I so often give him.

The bedroom door opens and I watch the silhouette of my husband carrying our baby to the nursery. He flicks the light on and grabs a book from the shelf. "How about we finish this one" he whispers to a sleepy Alayna. He sits on the couch with the baby leaning back on his stomach and tilts a bottle so she can drink it while he reads. She's out in a few minutes and Eli sets the bottle and book down then gently lifts the baby into his arms, kisses her cheek and puts her in to her crib. "I love you baby girl" he says quietly. He flicks her light off and turns on her nightlight then comes into our room. He climbs into bed beside me and spoons me. I roll over and kiss his lips. "You're such a good daddy" i whisper. He brings me closer, "you're an even better mommy" he replies, holds me tighter and we go to sleep.