Under The Waves

Chapter 12

I was too consumed by the relief to notice another passenger board the ship. The ladder was pulled up and I felt to be the last person to realise what this meant. Louis. A heavy weight descended upon my shoulders as it became clear what was happening. Louis. I depended on Nathan to keep me stable as I felt dizzy. Louis. I held my breath. That was the last lifeboat. Where is Louis? After the shock left panic unleashed on me, my eyes not leaving the spot where Louis should be standing. I started to take many short, fast breaths as I ran to the edge of the ship. The railing caught me and I looked out onto the crime scene before me. Then it hit me, all at once. The pain. As I looked back at the distraught faces everywhere upon deck, I felt pure anguish. My heart aced so much that I needed the railing to keep me from falling. The sight before me was so immensely gruesome that I couldn't bare to look any longer. I turned back at the horrifying sea. My poor innocent Louis. How could the world do this to him. He didn't deserve this. He was only 10. He deserved to live a long and happy life. He deserved to meet a lovely woman and start a family. He should've fulfilled his dream to be a doctor. I never liked crying in front of people, even when I was young. Though in this moment all those thoughts melted away because I had just lost my brother.

It was late at night by the time the Carpathia set back on its path to New York. Only infants and young children could sleep that night. Everyone else was too traumatised to dare to close their eyes. I spent the whole night with my head resting on Benjamin's shoulder. He had lost his father and I had lost my brother. Worst of all though, Benjamin also lost his sister and everyone thinks I have lost father. It is true. I have lost father but far from the way they think I have. I also knew long before they did. Alice didn't speak once, she only cried. She had lost her daughter and husband. I couldn't begin to imagine what she must be going through. Mother was enduring something very similar to Alice with the death of her son and husband. It is clear that she feels guilty when she cries. I think she wished to have saved her son and not have left things with father the way she did. Everyone left things with father on a horrible note. We all lost him with our last words full of terror and hatred. Father was a bad man at times but I still loved him so much. The thought of him makes me want to cry until I can't breathe. I know the pain and guilt of fathers death will stick with me my whole life. Nathan is very hurt. Not only emotionally but he is physically hurt. We managed to get some medical treatment for the wound. He said that when he was one of the last to board the lifeboat, the Titanic tilted violently causing him to get hit by falling objects. They also managed to treat my infected cut but that was the least of my worries.

When the sun finally rose it was a relief to us all. The darkness was overwhelming and reminded us all too well of the the previous night. Since there was no more lifeboats to bring in, the hours became tedious without our usual distraction. Without the hope everyone carried with them that their loved ones would be safe, we were all completely broken. We had nothing to hold onto but each other, but not everyone had that luxury. Not everyone had someone there to comfort them and help them through this saddening time. I felt truly sorry for those people. I decided to get bowls of broth and blankets and hand them out for everyone on deck. I could tell this act of kindness helped. When I offered broth to Nathan he seemed reluctant to accept. I suppose he didn't have an appetite through this dark patch. I refused to think of the people I lost. I knew that if I started to grieve them, I would fall into a terrible state. Someone needed to stay sane amongst us and I knew that was my job. Rose also seemed very effected by all this. She lost her husband, the father of her children. I think she knew he wouldn't make it but she still wished for him. Mother was so depressed that she didn't eat, talk or move. I had to look after Tillie but I didn't blame her. This ship turned into the most the miserable place on earth. The crying never stopped. It felt like time froze. Just the same never-ending horror. It was hell.

As the sun was close to setting I got more broth for us all. I gave the last bowl to Rose and sat beside her. I tipped the hot liquid into my mouth carefully, avoiding burning my tongue. I looked at Rose and saw her look unwell. She dropped the bowl and began to fall off the bench. I immediately grabbed Lena from her lap and she dropped to the floor.