After The Trials

Chapter 1

After the gladers arrived in the Save Haven, Thomas continued to search for a cure. He was very obsessed over it and barely slept. Most of it was because Teresa died to save him. The guilt absorbed him, so, along with obsession he also acts paranoiac, claiming that, whenever he sleeps, he has nightmares in which he is a Crank and kills his friends. The others were very concerned for his mental health.

Two years after they settled down, Brenda, my mother, had a baby. My blue eyes made them think of Teresa, so they named me after her. I've thought that this name is too mature for me, so I prefer being called Tessa. As a kid, Mary Cooper always told me I have a lot of potential. I don't know what she's talking about. I'm a fast learner, but I can't do anything on my own. 

My only friend is Thomas. Even though I have plenty choices of friends here, I enjoy the company of grown ups more. He fascinates me with his theories, but sometimes they're so exaggerated that I want to tell him to wake up to reality, because that's not gonna happen. I grew up in his room since most of the kids don't like me. I know it's because of my name and, for a few years, I hated my mother for this. I still do sometimes, but I remember how courageous was the girl with the same blue eyes as me and forgive her. Tessa is a beautiful name, they are probably bullying me because they're jealous.

I usually visit the dead rock, that's how I call it. It's that big piece of stone they scribbled those names on. I would've made them separate graves, but they're too many, so I guess this works too. The only person who goes there more often than me is Minho. Most of his friends died so we could live a happy life here.

I was on my way there when he greeted me. "Hey, Tessa." I got used to his monotonous voice. Sometimes, he has emotions, but not now. When he comes here he's an unexpressive statue.

"Hi." I sit next to him and put my arms around my knees, fidgeting with my fingers. "Who did you came for today?"

"Newt. I don't know if you've heard of him." his sight detached from the abyss he was looking through. "He was my best friend... And I don't even know how he died." I saw the pain on Minho's face and there was nothing that I could do to ease it. "I just hope he's watching over us. I hope he knows his sister is safe and happy and that he should be an uncle. God dammit, he doesn't even know he has a sister!"

"He's probably living a good life up there. At least he's with his friends. I don't know how it feels to lose your best friend and I'm not planning on finding out, but I'm here for you. If you're still coming here to visit your friends after 16 years, that means they meant the world to you, so none of them actually died. You're still carrying them with you."

Minho didn't answer. Instead, he wiped a few tears from his face and looked to Newt's name. We sit in silence for a few minutes before he stands up, preparing to leave. "Thanks, Tessa. Kind words."

I feel really bad for Minho. Nobody gets to talk to him about feelings and it's consuming him. Beside me, Sonya is the only one who knows what's happening in his head. I never understood why men think it's better to lock themselves in a dark cage. It's not shameful to be sad or to cry. The worst thing is that, when they open up, everyone judges and makes fun of them. I can't say I'm an extremist or something, I'm just 14, but I'm a feminist and toxic masculinity needs to stop. It affects people more than you'd think. People like Minho, who are afraid to cry and people like Thomas, who are afraid to share their thoughts out loud because the world would think they're insane.

After a while, my stomach started churning, so I went and grabbed a plate of food for me and one for Thomas. I always give him food, he forgets when it's dinner time. I never asked anyone about his obsession, but it started pissing me off. Adults cut me off with 'the girl he loved died for him' and expect me to accept it as a valid answer? It's obviously more than that, so I want to know.

"Hey, mom, why is Thomas so involved in his work? And don't mention Teresa, I want another answer." I ask her with a mouthful of a sandwich. We're the only ones in the kitchen now, so I can't embarrass myself in front of other kids and give them a reason to gossip.

She looks at me muddled. "Why?" I don't answer. Instead, I shrug and mumble a 'curiosity'. Brenda looks around the room, trying to remember what happened. "Thomas was supposed to be the cure, but they needed his brain for it. Now that he's probably the last scientist alive, he has to find a cure that doesn't involve his death. I don't know why he's so obsessed either, but you know how they say. Genius comes along with madness."

"But you worked for WICKED too, right? Doesn't that make you a scientist?"

"I wish it was that simple, honey. Now go give Thomas his dinner."

I take his plate and, with an eye roll, I go to the door. She just cut me off again. Why can't I have a mature conversation with adults? Do they really think that because they are 20 years older, they know the secrets of the universe? I stop in the door's threshold and look back at my mother. "Thomas is not insane. Maybe if you guys would listen to him sometimes, you could learn new things." I close the door fast enough so I don't hear her rebukes.

I knock on Thomas' door even if it's already open. He flinches a bit, but calms down when he sees me. "Jesus Christ, Tessa. Be more careful next time."

"Didn't know you're such a mollycoddle." I tease him while coming to the desk. It's full of scribbled papers. If I didn't know the way his mind is working, I'd say a toddler had fun with his father's documents. "Anything new?"

"No, not really." he tries to muffle a yawn, but fails miserably. "Thanks for the food, by the way." he was clearly exhausted.

"When was the last time you slept?"

"Me? Yesterday, of course. I told you I sleep every night and you have nothing to worry about."

"You're lying." Thomas looks at me confused. "Your lights were on last night."

"I probably slept when you did. You can't watch my windows the whole night. How would you know I didn't get any rest?"

"I..." I try to find the best words to say this without him freaking out. "I didn't sleep either."

Like the tiredness left Thomas' body, he starts chuckling. "Looks like we're both struggling with insomnia. You're having nightmares too?" I nod and pursue my lips. "How about we both try to get some sleep tonight, ok?"

"If I wake up screaming again, it's on you. Good night and may the odds be ever in your favor."

"I see what you did here." I was about to open the door when Thomas stopped me. "Before you leave, I want to thank you for standing up for me this evening."

"Oh, I didn't know you heard that. Well, that's what friends are for." I conclude and close the door behind me. 

I share a room with another 3 girls. We are too many for everyone to have their own hut, so we made a compromise. Although I sleep with them every night, we can't consider ourselves friends. Yes, we talked a couple times, but I don't like having a conversation with people my age. All girls think about is boys and boys think about girls. I want a person who would make me feel like I'm talking to someone more elevated than me. Someone from whom I could learn new things. I want someone like Thomas. Apparently, I'm an adult trapped in a child's body.

For at least 3 hours, I turned from one side of the bed to the other. I don't know how to sleep, I haven't done that in a while. I don't know how, but my body can survive without sleeping and I'm ok with it, I'd like to keep it that way. But I promised Thomas. I promised him I will get some rest and I will. I'm a girl of my word. After a while, the sleep enveloped me and the long waited feeling came. I forgot how peaceful is to sleep sometimes.