Replay

06

–25th January 2021

Thomas heart was racing. He hadn't felt Dylan's touch for so long now. His hand was warm when he trapped Thomas inside, giving Thomas a light shiver. His body turned hot just from Dylan's touch. Thomas didn't know how to react yet knew that he had to focus. Dylan had made clear that he didn't want any connection to the past and Thomas was willing to give his old friend at least that. His vision was blurry, his breath uneven. He wanted to look at Dylan's hand, holding his wrist tight, yet didn't want to break the promise of not annoying his friend with the past. This wasn't uncomfortable. The Brit was expecting it to be though. Yet all he felt was warmth, under all the anxiety.

Thomas expected his friend to let go, he knew Dylan wouldn't keep this up for too long. He was obviously not interested after what he said some hours ago, yet, to Thomas' surprise, Dylan still held on. Thomas wasn't sure if it was because of the relativity and that for him it might have felt like forever for him only, since he was longing for the American's touch without even noticing before. One way or another, this was longer than it should have been. With or without the relativity.

The moment Dylan let go, Thomas head started functioning again. He looked up, meeting his friends eyes. The beautiful Hazel in front of him were soft, yet cold. Dylan composed himself, clearing his throat. To Thomas' surprise, he did that to hide the tension he had built up. Maybe it was because he noticed that Thomas stopped working properly the moment they stood straight in his room, Dylan holding bis wrist? Or maybe the younger boy had lost his control himself for a second?

Thomas pressed his lips together, noticing the cold evolving around his wrist again, "What are you doing here?" He decided to be the first talking. Not only because it was the normal thing to do, since Dylan owed him an explanation about being in his room, but also because he wanted to make this easier for his friend. He was trying to give him the normal acquaintance he wished for. They'd talk, sure, but that would be it. Trying to ignore each other, talk the least they had to, avoid every situation where they had to talk an just, live. He knew, that was what Dylan was going for. Even though be found him in his room, Thomas knew Dylan would have a legitimate explanation.

"I lost my script. I need to borrow yours. When I knocked nobody answered so I checked the door and it was open. I decided to check just to make sure you weren't there. But once I entered and didn't see you, I decided to see if I would find the script." he held out his hands, "I obviously didn't though. Don't worry I didn't go trough your stuff, didn't open a single drawer, since I know how you appreciate your privacy."

Thomas didn't answer. Mostly because he didn't know if he should. Maybe Dylan disliked him too much to talk to him more than what he did right now. When Dylan gulped and shoved obvious signs of discomfort Thomas knew he messed up again. "I'll leave then," Dylan said, moving his body to the door. He passed Thomas and the sweet scent Thomas hadn't smelled in years wandered inside of his nose. Making his breath in, enjoying the moment. The moment he closed his eyes and his lips shaped a smile, he shot right up again and turned around. Putting his hand on Dylan's chest, pulling him back slight. "My script is in my car. I can give it to you overnight so you make some copies? Or just so you read over it?" He gave Dylan a slight smile, "Sure."

Thomas smile became big, he never thought a word so simple would make him feel stuff like this. He was glad he had taken the initiative to actually be with his friend. Even if it was just till his own car and back. He started moving, taking the right direction. Even though he'd love to take a wrong path to just spend some minutes more with his former companion, he knew if he'd pull this that Dylan would switch his mood very quick and not give Thomas a new chance anytime soon. So Thomas followed the path that led to the parking outside, hoping Dylan would say anything, but every time Thomas looked slyly back, Dylan was looking around, his hands in his jean pocket, not very invested in the walk. That made Thomas panic, he didn't know if this was something good or bad. Maybe it was just Thomas' fantasy that this could eventually be the start of something new between the boys, a second chance. Dylan obviously didn't seem invested. Not the was Thomas had hoped, his smile faded.

Once they reached the blonde's car, Thomas pulled the passenger's seat open and took out an envelope, taking the big paper collection out. He reached it over to his friend, his motions cold. Dylan took the papers and nodded, ready to walk away again. "Stay," Thomas whispered, hoping his friend would hear it even though he knew that Dylan wouldn't if he didn't turn the volume up, "Please stay."

"Stay?" Dylan asked, turning again, "What for?"

Thomas felt his heart race again, he didn't know what to say. He didn't think that far. All he wanted was his friends closure, but now he needed an excuse for why Dylan should stay. The American looked at him confused, "Thomas?"

"I... I'm not sure." he gulped. Dylan's face tensed, before he breathed out and took a step forward, "Thomas. I thought I made it clear."

"You did..." The older one whispered. His voice shivering. Not ready for what would come next. He hoped the brunette would let it go, walk back to his life, pretend this didn't happen. But he knew that his friend would have to explain this one more time if he wanted to go on with his life.

"I can't pretend that nothing happened. There was something Thomas and it hurt me. I can't look you in the eyes as if nothing happened. I'm not ready for this yet. I'll need my time. Please respect that."

"I do." Thomas sighed, "I just hoped you know. I don't think I'm ready to let you go. Maybe I'll never be."

Dylan breathed in, letting a tension fall between the two. Thomas clenched his jaw, while Dylan just had his eyes closed, preparing himself emotionally for what he was about to say. Thomas knew what he was about to say, but he didn't stop his friend. He was ready to face the consequences. He was ready to be faced with what he did wrong. He wanted Dylan to scream at him at least once. It would make things clear, Thomas would stop. He'd understand Dylan's point of view. With his head and most importantly his heart. He'd stop, he'd live, letting Dylan go, compose his own life without him. Dylan only needed to scream.

"Do you think I am?" Dylan started waving the papers in the air. No real coordination in his movements. He seemed desperate, "I wasn't for God's sake. I gave you everything. I exposed myself for you, I was ready to commit myself. To be open about it. And then there was you. I was having the best few weeks of my life and then once we all came together again one last time, I only see you denying what we had? Making sure everyone knew you weren't interested in me? That you never were?" Thomas saw Dylan's eyes water. He was weak and vulnerable. Telling Thomas his real feelings without knowing how to. "'How is Dylan Thomas? Oh yes he's an amazing friend. You sure he's only a friend though?' That one moment was it. I was expecting you to look at me, smile. I'd nod, ready to give everyone what they wanted for so long. Come out, make it official. But then you only nooded. You denied us, even though we talked at home about making it official, that we would be ready. But I stayed calm, trying to understand why you acted the way you did. Waiting for an explanation. And what did you give me? 'I think this was a mistake Dylan. I think I misunderstood what I felt. I can't imagine myself with you. I'm not what you'd like me to be.' You couldn't even admit that you are straight. Just say the stupid words. You led me into your game. Making me believe I could out myself, be with you till the end of time. But it was nothing. Just like that. It turned into nothing." the boy was tense, but he didn't scream.