No Strings Attached

11

Leo's POV:

So that is why I cherished moments like these in our friendship born out of silence. I didn't feel like I had to make her laugh or she'd laugh at me. She wouldn't leave me if I stopped talking. She would always be there, even if words were absent and that's what made me fall in love with her. Things didn't need to remain unsaid even if we didn't actually say anything.

We were sitting in bunker nine, like we did in almost all of our free time. She sat in a big fluffy chair, I made it for her a couple of weeks ago, reading a book while I sat at my usual workbench. I was making an extra syncopator, the device that was basically gonna control the entire engine and make sure it doesn't explode. I made the first one a couple of days ago; I only need one but having a spare is never a bad idea.

One of our comfortable silences stretched between us again, the only sound being heard being the turning of pages on her end and the clanging of tools on mine.

"You know, you should probably make the bedrooms soundproof too," she mumbled to me, without looking up from her book. I couldn't help the weird sound of shock that left my throat at the sudden comment, almost dropping the very fragile device I was working on, and how nonchalantly she said it.

"W-what?" I asked thinking I must've misheard her. But she just repeats herself, I can feel heat crawling up my neck at the thought of what she might be implying with that.

"I mean, I know Annabeth is together with that Percy guy, and Jason and Piper are pretty much a thing now too, but do you really think that'll be necessary?" I say, ears burning.

She giggled, putting her book down and walking over to where I was sitting, "Not like that you idiot! I don't know if you've noticed but pretty much ¾ kids here get night terrors, that's what the night shift at the infirmary is usually for. I don't know about those two other kids that are gonna join when we find Percy, but I know for a fact that he and Annabeth have them." She leaned her hip on the table, looking down at me.

I felt my stomach drop at how lightheartedly she could say that, like it's the most normal thing in the world. It shouldn't be. It shouldn't be normal. She shouldn't be able to say that so carelessly, without even batting an eye. But we're demigods, so unfortunately it is.

"Do you get them too?" Now this was dangerous territory. Don't get me wrong, it's not like we'd ever keep anything from one another, we can talk about anything. But I do know that stuff like this is difficult to talk about for her.

"I'm not coming on this quest so it doesn-"

"Yes it does Y/N, it matters to me. If you don't want to talk about it that's fine, but I would appreciate it if you could trust me with this," I tried locking eyes with her but she refused to look up from her hands, playing with the sleeves of her sweater. I was about to backpaddle, apologize for bringing it up in the first place, when she closed her eyes and took a deep breath.

"I do," it was quiet, almost a whisper, but I still heard it, "I was lucky enough that Apollo guided me to camp before I was old or powerful enough to attract a lot of monsters. Unlike a lot of other demigods who were less fortunate I didn't really have them up until last summer. But the war... I think it took a toll on all of us."

She hated talking about the titan war, even the mention of it would make her cringe usually.

"I've never really told you this before, but I technically died. Well, for a minute anyways. You know how I'm very advanced with my medical powers right?" that I do know, she's the second-best healer at camp, only slightly falling behind Will, "remember what I told you the day we met?"

"Please don't tell me you can turn into a mouse," she laughed, I could tell she was grateful for my attempt at lightening the situation.

"Gods no! What I'm talking about is when Drew used her charmspeak on you and I was able to redirect it onto myself," I had a feeling of where this was going, "Do you know Eri?"

"You mean that daughter of Demeter?"

She nodded, "So then you also know how young she is?"

"Yes, 8 or something right?" she nodded again, "Y/N, don't tell me-"

"We were at war Leo, we needed all the manpower we could get," the horror of the situation seemed to finally set in in my mind making my eyes widen. Subsequently I finally noticed she had opened hers again, glossed over and glassy with her trying to hold back her tears.

"She got hurt, badly. She wasn't the first one, nor was she the last, but she was the youngest. And I couldn't save her. I wasn't good enough. My healing wasn't strong enough. She got put into my care and I was letting her fucking bleed out."

"Y/N, that wasn't your fault, you did the best you could!"

"Maybe, but my best wasn't good enough Leo. Because I couldn't do something meant that she was going to die and all I could do was sit and watch... well except for one thing..."

"You moved her injuries onto yourself," she nodded again, tears flowing freely now.

"It was the best I could do for her at the time, to Hades if that resulted in me dying, I needed to save her!"

"And you did, princess, you saved her, she's okay now. Thanks to you. Thanks to you she's probably running through the strawberry fields right now, you did good," I stand up and wrap her into a hug. She doesn't move, her arms staying slack at her sides, but I know it's what she needs right now.

"When I close my eyes, I see all the people I couldn't save. They're not mad at me, they just want to know why. Why couldn't I save them? Why didn't I try harder? Why did it have to be them? Makes me wonder that same stuff too sometimes."

"You can't save everyone Y/N, and it's not healthy to expect that from yourself. And I know how much guilt it can make you carry around when you can't save someone. I couldn't even save my own mom," that last part hurt to say, a lot, "and though I know now that there is nothing I could have done, I carried that pain with me for years. Until someone, a very special someone that can be loud and annoying as hell sometimes," she snorted, "finally rammed some sense into me and told me that. I know this won't take away the guilt or your pain but it's important for you to know okay? I still feel mine, but I don't let it control me anymore. I've realized that I'm allowed to be happy, even through my shortcomings, and so do you. You're an amazing healer, no one can save everyone but the fact that you try your damn best every single time is one of the things that makes you as amazing as you are, and don't you dare forget that."

She nodded against my chest, "you can let go of me now, sorry for ruining your shirt," she said with a teary smile, a huge grease smear on her cheek and forehead.

I whipped out a, clean, rag from my toolbelt and started whipping it off, "sorry for ruining your face."

She giggled, after that followed silence again as I cleaned the stains off her face.

I could ask more, but I don't. I don't need to, because I know that once she's ready, she'll come to me, and I'll be waiting.