blooming in the darkness

chapter nine

owen's dreams were anything but good. he usually didn't remember his dreams, but he did when they were especially bad. he had been remembering a lot of his dreams after the russian affair.

this one was no exception. he awoke paralyzed, cold sweat and tears dripping down his face. his dream had been of his fall.

even though it had happened four years ago, he could still remember how he felt lying on the ground, broken and bleeding, as he watched curt run away. he thought that he was going to die from the blast and had tried to make peace with it before it happened.

obviously owen didn't die from the blast, but he wishes that he did.

he wishes that he hadn't had to experience so much pain from his recovery. he wishes he didn't have to work for chimera.

well, owen got his wish. just definitely not how he imagined it.

owen lied there on the bed, staring at the ceiling in absolute silence. the only sound was when the door opened and curt walked into the room moments later.

curt wordlessly entered and sat down on the other side of the bed, facing away from owen. owen tries to subtly wipe away his tears before curt turns to him, but of course curt notices anyway.

curt's expression turns from neutral to one of confusion and... concern?

"owen? what's wrong?"

owen shakes his head, desperately hoping that curt will just drop it. he doesn't get his wish.

"no, seriously. why are you crying?" curt asks, having fully turned towards owen.

"nothing that's of any importance to you."

"well it's obviously important to you, so it's important to me. let's hear it."

owen shakes his head before speaking. "just a stupid dream. nothing that i haven't dealt with before."

"what was it about?" curt asks, unconsciously shifting closer to owen.

owen's closes his eyes, squeezing them tightly shut for a moment. when owen speaks, it's nothing more than a whisper. "the fall."

"oh."

owen opens his eyes and looks at curt, immediately regretting his decision. curt looks so guilty, which he should, but why does it hurt to see him like that?

owen shuts his eyes again, taking a deep breath. "yeah."

the pair are quiet for a few seconds before owen speaks. it's extremely quiet, barely loud enough for curt to hear. "i wish i had died that night."

"what?" owen opens his eyes again and is surprised to see curt look terrified.

owen looks down, repeating himself. "i wish i had died that night. that fall... it should've killed me."

"no!"

owen looks at curt, deeply confused. curt looks horrified by the idea that owen wishes he was dead, and owen isn't sure how to process that. why does he look that way? didn't he say...?

"why not? you were the one who said you liked me better dead. why don't you just kill me already?"

curt looks down at his lap, shaking his head slightly. "i shouldn't have said that. i didn't understand why you said a lot of things you said then. at least now, i understand better than i did. i know why you hate me, and i completely understand it. hell, i hate me for what happened too. i spent so long wishing that it had been me that fell instead of you. just... please don't think those things. please don't think that i wish you were dead, because that couldn't be further from the truth."

curt looks up to meet owen's eyes, tears welling up in curt's. "and i don't think that i could ever do that. if it wasn't already made clear, i'm still in love with you, o. i don't want to lose you again." owen looks away abruptly, not being able to continue meeting curt's gaze. it hurts too much.

"just because you don't wish me to be dead doesn't mean that i don't."

owen watches from the corner of his eye as a tear falls down curt's face. the pair are silent for a moment, before curt tentatively reaches out and touches owen's hand. owen tenses but doesn't pull his hand away.

"can i..."

owen turns to fully face curt, a slight bit of fear on his face. curt's expression softens at this and clears his throat. "is it okay if i hold your hand?"

owen looks down at their hands before nodding slightly. curt moves to lie down next to owen, far enough apart to not agitate owen, as he takes owen's right hand in his left.

they stay like that, quietly lying next to each other while holding hands, until the sun goes down.