My Sexual Abuse Story

Aftermath

Every day, I think about what happened and when I am so close to telling, I talk myself out of it.

I feel like it's my fault that it happened and it's my fault for being so oblivious and ignorant to what was happening.

I'm afraid that my mom will get angry at me or do something really bad. My dad would probably go crazy and kill the disgusting bastard. I would honestly prefer him dead, but if my dad killed him he could get in a lot of trouble.

I don't really get nightmares about it since I was so young when it happened and it's not really fresh in my mind, but sometimes I like to pretend that it was all a nightmare and pretend like nothing happened.

I feel like if I pretend, I'll forget everything and life could go back to normal, but it did happen, I was a victim of sexual assault. As much as it hurts to admit it, I was raped and there's nothing I can really do about it.

I have to tell my family, but we are going through so much right now. My mom is at an very advanced level of diabetes and she's getting weaker by the day, but yet she gets up every morning and goes to work.
I'm afraid that I'll lose her before I get the chance to tell her.

My dad is 67 years old and he also has diabetes but it's not as advanced as my mom's. My oldest brother is going to college next year and he would be broken from this. We don't get along the best, but he would feel bad that I didn't trust him enough to tell him.

My other older brother, the middle child, he's so unpredictable that I have no idea what he would do in a situation like this. I know that seeing my mom weak hurts him, but he just keeps his facade on and pretends like nothing bad is happening, so if he found out about me, he would probably do the same thing.

I'm the youngest in the family and the only girl, so I know that my brothers would blame themselves for not protecting me enough. They would blame themselves for not being there for me when I needed them the most. They were young too, 9 and 10 years old when it happened. They wouldn't have understood what was happening either.

My oldest brother, let's call him Simon, a couple months ago I may have spilled something about a secret that I was hiding. That secret was this secret that I am telling right now. He cornered me and kept pushing me to tell him until I started tearing up because I was scared. I just turned 13 on 10/31/20, so I was still 12 when that happened. I told him that he would find out soon enough. When he noticed that I started crying, he let me go. He knows that I'm keeping a secret, but I don't think he knows how bad it actually is.

My other brother, let's call him Max, is completely oblivious to any secret that I could be keeping. He honestly only speaks to me when he has to. When we do speak, it always turns into a fight. I know that is fighting isn't good, but honestly I like fighting with him because it gets my mind off my messed up life. When I'm fighting with him, I feel like a normal 13 year old girl arguing with her older brother like sibling do.

My uncle did something that can never be undone, he messed up my life and it might not ever go back to normal.

If only I have the guts to spit it out, all this could be over. It would answer all my moms questions on why I don't like being around him and why I act so differently when he comes over for dinner. It would answer why I always complain about him coming over all the fucking time.

It would answer Simon's questions on why I started crying when he cornered me that day and it would answer Max's questions on why I pick fights with him so much.

It would answer so many questions, but I just don't have the courage to spill the beans.

It's not that I'm scared of what my uncle would do because I know that he would get mad at me for telling, but with my families support, he would never lay another hand on me.

He would go to jail and even if he gets out, we could put a restraining order on him. I hate that this is my life now, it's horrible and I would never wish this on anyone.

I cut myself for the first time last month. I'm not proud of myself, but it felt good when the razor sliced through my wrist. After that I swore to myself that I would never do it again, but I broke my promise.
Today, I got too overwhelmed and I almost did it again. I didn't shed blood, but almost. It didn't cut enough to leave a scar, but I felt the sting and that's all I wanted.

He must think that he damaged me then and that all this would stay in the past, I don't think he though about how it would affect me in the future. I don't think he thought would happen if I all of a sudden decided to tell what happened.

I think the worst part of coming clean would be having to confront him. I talk to him almost everyday, I don't want to, but I have to. Talking and confronting are two different things. I can talk, but I'm horrible when it comes to confrontation. I get anxious and I overwhelmed and I feel like I would die. Last night I almost told my mom, but I didn't because she was having some problems with Simon. He had to go to the hospital this morning. No, it's not coronavirus, he's been having stomach pain and his butt hurts. It's funny if you think about it.

I am home alone with Max right now and he is completely oblivious to the fact that I just tried to cut my wrist 20 minutes ago. I don't know what to do at this point. I can't even get good grades in school because I can barely focus with all this in my mind.

I'm trying to find better ways to cope with this other than cutting. Sometimes I feel like I want to scream, but I can't because there's always people in the house and they would get worried.

That's my problem, I'm too selfless. I think about others too much, I never do things for myself. I always think of ways that it could affect others. I prefer myself to suffer then see those who I care about suffer. I don't like being selfish, but my friends told me that this isn't being selfish. She told me that this will keep hurting me for longer if I don't say anything.

The next chapter will be about when I spilled the beans for the first time...