Bandstand Novelization

Confessions of a Gold Star Wife

Pushing my nerves to the side, I try to focus on the fact that it will be a normal Thursday. A normal day, just like it was yesterday, just like it will be tomorrow. Grabbing my purse from the counter I toss it on my shoulder.

"We have two bottles of Coca-Cola. Or he could have milk. Do you know what he likes to drink? " Mom asks from her spot at the table. I ignore her, my thoughts on other things. "Julia, do you know what he drinks?" 

Exasperated I turn from the hallway, "I don't know him at all, Ma. I'm late for work."

I try moving forward again but she asks the question that's haunted me since Donny left my front door. "Was he with Michael when he died?"

"I don't know. He... he didn't say." I rest my hand on the wall and lean against it a moment. It's the thoughts I'm trying so desperately to push away.

My mother's soft voice follows me, "Then don't ask him. He'll tell you if he wants to. Remember, you're uncle never spoke a word about the first war after he got back. Not for the rest of his life."

Conflicted I turn around with a fury and stare at her from feet away. "So I don't ask questions, he doesn't talk, and we just sit across the table in silence?" My mom gives me a look that only mothers can. I throw my arms up in frustration. "I just want to know what happened." The telegram had come three weeks before the Japanese surrendered. He had less than three weeks and he would have been home free. It had come without warning, without any knowledge of what happened. I repeat myself again. "I just want to know what happened, ma."

"And where do you think that will get you?"

"Sleeping through the night. Closing a chapter. Maybe just getting out the door without tearing up?" I don't mention the nightmares or how guilt passes over me whenever I pass a window with a gold star in the window, or how maybe I'd like just a thread back of the woman I was before the war.

Ma checks her watch and then stares at me with raised eyebrows. "Don't you dare make the excuse that I've made you late today." I make my move. "Hey, hey!" Ma calls out, "Don't forget to pick up ketchup on your way home."

Checking my own watch I realize that if I don't leave right now I will most definitely be late. Dashing down the hallway I grab my jacket off its hook and jaunt out the door. As I slam it shut I can just make out mother turning on the radio.

Walking at a brisk, ladylike, pace I make it to Halle Brothers Department Store right on time.

Fumbling with my things as I head for the ladies lockers in the back I hear the ever cheerful old man Robert Monroe call from his spot at the register. "Mornin' Julia!"

"Oh good morning Rob." I make sure to smile in passing.

--------------------

"I must've checked the clock at least a thousand times today ma. I felt so sorry for Mr. Monroe I was not a very involved employee today." I put the final deviled egg on a serving platter and step away for my mother to take over.

"I'm sure he didn't notice."

"Oh he sure did. Asked what on earth was wrong with me."

"Oh, and what'd you tell him?"

"I told him I had a very stressful dinner party to get ready for. And his response was that I should bring him leftovers tomorrow." We both laugh letting a bit of the tension cease.

As if on cue the doorbell rings. We both look up at the kitchen clock. 5:30 on the dot. I wipe my hands on my apron as I remove it. "I'll get it." I say with a smile. No turning back now. 

Swiping stray hairs behind my ears I put on a beaming smile and turn the doorknob. 

He's wearing the same jacket that was thrown over his shoulder on Tuesday. "Hi." I say as he looks up.