Saturday Nights

III

It's a gloomy morning, but it didn't stop my mother from reminding me to bring uncle Ken's book by the lake. I kind of want to go there again and enjoy the view, I want to try to appreciate the beauty of it without him. But, I want something to happen just to prevent me from going.

"I think there's a heavy rain coming." I initiated "I don't think uncle Ken would mind if I bring it tomorrow, right?"

"Are you crazy? You know how your uncle love these books! Especially during the rainy season." she sipped a hot tea and smiled "Just bring an umbrella, it'll do you good."

I sighed in defeat.

Well, I guess I am really going.

I felt tons of weight on my shoulder, though I only carry 4 books. As I walk, I can't take him out of my mind! I'm slowly getting angry for torturing myself!

He's now doing fine with Nicks! Don't you get that Valentine?! my mind suddenly became my plain-spoken friend.

He doesn't like you anymore!

He likes, or even loves! Nicks now.

You are just part of his past, his memories, you're nothing to him!

He chose her! So don't choose him!

My jaw clenched as my heart beat gets faster. I'm so mad at you Den! You make me feel stupid!

"Fuck! I can't do this!" I aburptly shouted.

I am in a middle of a busy street and everyone looked at me. I suddenly got my senses back but I never regret it, it feels good. I stood there for a moment, trying to recollect myself.

But I want to breakdown.

So I willingly let myself drop on the ground, everyone gasped and tried to help me, but when they saw me smiling at the sky they were disgusted and avoided me.

Why is everyone willing to help when you're physically hurt and get awfully disgusted when you suffer in the inside? Is it because we only care for what we see and disregard what we don't? Or is it natural in our human brain to block something we cannot cope?

"Those books have driven you crazy, haven't it?"

I turned my sight to an old beggar lady who's just sitting there, watched me break down from the start.

"The world is what makes me crazy." I responded motionless.

"We are all crazy, kid. We just hide it differently." She inhaled deeply and let out a big sigh. "And right now, I can tell you aren't handling it well." and grinned.

I rolled my eyes and realized she has a good point. I tidied my disheveled appearance and picked up the books.

"That's life kid. You fall down, you get up; you dropped but you pick up." she looked at the sky and started to hum like nothing just happened. I stood there for a second but it feels like she forgot me. I remember packing up a sandwich for uncle Ken and decided to gove it to her instead.

"Here's a breakfast for you."

"Oh thank you miss!" she chirped, I was a bit shocked of how childish she acted out of a sudden. "I remember my mom making me sandwiches! I like it with egg and ham, yum!"

I quickly realized there must be something wrong with her. "What's your name?" a bit intrigued how she would respond.

"I'm Nelly." she continued eating as if she has never eaten a sandwich before. "and I'm nine."

"Where are your parents?" I sat right in front of her and made myself comfortable.

She suddenly stopped eating and looked at me, "They left me." she looked back at the sandwich and cried silently "They said I'm not enough, that I am too much!" she then continued eating while holding her tears "and then one day, they kicked me out of the house and welcomed a proper girl from the orphan." she couldn't help herself anymore and burst into tears.

I didn't know what to say! How could a parent do that!

Without any words, I hugged her and cried. It must hurt so bad.

"Why are you crying my dear?"

When I looked back, she has shifted back to her old personality. "I.." my voice cracked, I'm lost of words, how can I be so dumb? There are people who has heavier problems than me. "I'm just so proud of you being so strong Nelly."

"We all must be strong kid. Don't take life too seriously, you will never get out of it alive." We both chuckled still with tears in our eyes.

It felt good, it made me realize how big the universe is, and how small my problem was. I could have taken the bus but I enjoyed walking, it took me a good half an hour from Nelly to get to my uncle's house.

When I got there, the place is quite as it has always been, but it's an uncomfortable silence. I looked at the lake not too far behind my uncle's house. I sighed and continued at his front door.

"There you are my favorite niece!"

I rolled my eyes every time he says that, "I'm your only niece."

"Exactly." he whispered and then followed it with a loud laugh. "Are these my books? Oh look how tidy they are, tell you mom I thank her for keeping it clean."

I nod and smiled.

"Do you want to eat? I have some leftovers at the fridge, you can heat it up in the microwave."

"No thanks, uncle. I think I'll just roam around." I gave him a small smile.

He smiled back uncomfortably, an unusual thing for uncle Ken to do. I bet he's knew I still feel bad for what happened to me and Den. My mother never knew him, I didn't want to because I was waiting for us to be official.

"Be careful, okay? And if the storm hits, go inside immediately."

I nodded and walked out his backyard where I can see the full view of the lake. I sighed sharply.

Walking towards something beautiful and ugly at the same time is something confusing to be honest, I can't make up my mind which is which.

But then when I arrived at the spot, I felt nothing.

There must be something wrong. I should feel hurt right? I should be crying by now, this is our spot, this was our place.

And suddenly, I felt broken. This is what you wanted Val, right? My blood went cold and my feet got stuck on the ground. I can't explain the pain I'm feeling right now, it hurts so much, I can literally feel needles poking it non stop!

I never knew I would feel more hurt than ever. I love his smile so much! It's what makes me calm every time I feel down, but it aches to see it again, to see him smile but not for me.