the medic

ch. 12

xii. coming clean

It had been five minutes of silence as the pair stood across from each other in the former-German manned tent. Bucky's features were a ghastly pale, eyes trained steadily at the ground, wide and far away. Kelsey held her blood-stained hands together tightly in front of her, trying to find words which could impossibly satisfy the questions she was waiting to be berated with.

He cleared his throat, finally piercing the thick fog of silence which hung between them.

"What the hell was that?" His voiced wavered, a pool of terror filling his irises which now met her own.

"I don't know..." She started but shook her head with furrowed brows, "I mean, I do know but not entirely. Bucky I-"

Kelsey paused, her breathing picking up ever so slightly as her chest rose and fell in a quicker fashion. She paused, composing herself and letting herself go back to that night once again.

She told him about her assistant, Hydra, the serum.. the fire. About waking up completely unscathed, the realization that she had been giving the most potent form of her serum that could make a gash in her arm disappear within seconds. That could prevent her body from becoming pure ash.

Bucky listened in what she could only imagine to be horror, taking in the full story with his fists curling and uncurling and his jaw set in a hard line.

A hiccup left Kelsey's throat and tears blurred her vision, "I didn't know that what I did would work, I just saw you go down and I couldn't lose you, Buck. And I'm sorry I never told you the full truth, but with what happened.. can you blame me?"

His eyebrow twitched but he nodded, deep frown still pulling on his features yet life slowly came back to his eyes, "is this why you're always running into the line of fire for our guys?"

She could tell by his tone that he knew he was right and just needed confirmation, she nodded and he scoffed with a shaky hand scratching his head.

"You're a fucking piece of work, you know that, Kelsey." Bucky felt like he needed to get that one that before he could fully calm down, huffing out a large breath and finally taking in her form.

She let out a sad chuckle and wiped her face, "yeah, but you're stuck with me."

A smirk broke out on his face and a dry chuckle fell from his lips, taking a few steps closer to her and pulling her into a hug that she gladly accepted. She wrapped her hands around his waist in a way that felt comfortable and familiar while he wrapped his around her shoulders. Kelsey knew she shouldn't, but she could get used to his warm embrace and the feeling of her head resting on his chest.

"I guess there are worse people to be stuck with, Doc."

-

After the day's events, Bucky resolved to change their battle strategy on the road to Azzano. They no longer had their magical cure and he wouldn't ask Kelsey to perform what she did to him to anyone else. They had to be smart, sneakier. And they most certainly needed rest. The group moved deeper into the woods, taking a longer route to the next encampment while Bucky trudged on silently at the lead. Kelsey followed close behind him, taking glances at the rest of their group with a deep frown.

They were fewer now and they still had two more camps and Azzano to go. She had seen almost all of them near death, pulled them back. And for some reason that weighed on her. She felt responsible for each and every one of them, and helplessness set in when realizing that she no longer had the syringes that let her save them. Sure, Kelsey could theoretically perform the same procedure she had on Bucky in the worst case scenario. But selfishly, she wasn't confident that she wanted to.

The pain she felt after bringing him back was the same as the lab. It was agonizing and haunting, the feeling of dying and returning to her mortal coil. Violent and brutal on her body. The idea weighed heavily on her shoulders.

At 1100 Bucky decided they would rest and wait till nightfall to move to the next camp. Given the bloodshed at the last encampment, he was sure that the next one would be more on prepared if word had somehow gotten out. He let the men sleep in shifts, taking shelter in a small grotto for the time being.

Unsurprisingly, Bucky and Kelsey couldn't get to sleep like the others. The pair elected to stay awake for the first three hour shift, both still processing the day's events.

"How did it feel?" He was the first to break the heavy silence between the two of them yet again.

Knowing what he was referring to she shrugged with a frown, "like I got shot in the neck."

His brows furrowed, "elaborate."

"When I- when it started working, it was like my body was replicating what happened to you in order to fix it. Felt like I was dying all over again, cause well you were..." A pallor fell over his features as he understood what she meant.

"I can't let you do that for me again. Or any of them. When we're meant to go, we're meant to go. That was the worst pain I've ever felt in my life, to know that you- I'm sorry, Kels. I can't thank you enough." There was a pleading in his voice as his guilty eyes bore into hers from his spot three feet away, as if he already knew what her response would be.

She hated the way he seemed to already blame himself.

"You know I can't promise that, Buck." She looked away from him with a shaky breath, the image of his body crumpling to the ground flashing through her head.

And with that image, Kelsey knew that she would do it again in a heartbeat.