Sunflowers and Lillies

𝟘𝟙

I jolted with a gasp.

I often woke up like this. Cold sweat gleaming on my skin and goosebumps all over my body. My body shaking and sometimes it was to the point of hyperventilating. The covers would almost always be thrown on the floor and the duvet would be a wrinkled mess of sweat and cloth. My heart would be racing at an ungodly speed and my throat would be hoarse. My face would be wet from crying and my eyes would hurt from how hard I would shut them.

I hated it.

This.

It wasn't always the same nightmare. Sometimes my mind would kick in a little spice, make it more detailed than the one before. Or if it felt like a real bitch completely warp the story into an Alice and the Wonderland fiction. But either way, it always ended the same.

I hated it.

I took deep breaths and tried to calm myself down. The cool air made its way to my lungs and my shaking slightly subdued.

It was just a dream.

But it wasn't.

It was real.

I wiped my face with the back of my hands, as a toddler would after a silly little tantrum, and shook my head as if the thoughts would float away with the motion. I sat up and started to fumble around for my phone. The room wasn't completely dark since it seemed the sun had just started to rise but the harsh light of the device still blinded me as I opened it and it took me a few blinks to focus.

It was five am.

I sighed. There was no use going back to sleep now. Not when school was just two hours away.

I threw the phone away, it was no use for me now, and pushed myself off the bed. I walked over to the bathroom, flicking the lights on as I stepped inside, and my eyes betrayed a look at myself in the mirror.

My hair was a mess of locks, some strung upwards and others almost drenched, there was even a small cowlick at the top. My brown roots had started to peek under a hideous matte blonde that I had trashily dyed myself and it continued till it was mid-back. My eyes were concealed with brown contacts which I had forgotten to take off last night and I shrugged off the action of taking them off now. I couldn't bear it. From then on my nose was covered in freckles that lined to the top of my forehead as well as my cheeks and jaw, blackheads were scattered within them, blending in with the splattering of brown. Pimples lined the top of my forehead as well and scattered in and out of my cheeks like some sort of pop-up game you would find at an arcade or carnival. My lips were a rather pale pink, almost white, and chapped from my endless biting them. A dark mole rested on top of the right side of my lip and it seemed to wink against the bathroom light. 

What a lovely sight.

I snorted.

Turning away from the hideous mess that looked back at me I tore off my pajamas deeming there enough time to waste for a shower. I shivered at the cold that met my skin and quickly scurried into the shower, turning the knob all the way to the right.

Hot water spurted out and I leaned my head against the wall letting myself sag slightly.

The water pelted into me in searing heat. It sliced against me like knives and burned so hot my skin turned a scorching red in a matter of seconds. My body begged for me to turn it off but I ignored it relishing in the pain it brought.

Pain was good.

Pain meant I was still alive.

Even if I wished anything but.