Incriminate Me

3:Pull the trigger

"There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably desirable." - Mark Twain

The play ends with an uproar of clapping. I lean against my boyfriend, Tanner, as we leave the theatre. He grins at me,

"Now tell me that didn't feel like coming home."

I smile up at him, he has always held Chicago as something that is ironically fitting, in name and content,

"It was good."

He rolls his eyes as we make our way to the ice cream place down the street,

"Just good? Are you feverish, blind, or just stupid?"

I bump my shoulder into his laughing slightly,

"Tired you buffoon."

He orders two mint chocolate chips,

"Well- this will solve all of your worries."

With cold hands I cradle the sweet iciness and lap at it. We wander into the park and he pulls out a blanket, laying it across the grass.

"Only you are so weird that ice cream would be your favorite thing in this weather,"

I giggle as I curl next to him on it, gazing up at the stars that are gleaming out behind tall tree branches.

I finish my ice cream and turn on my side to face him,

"When are you set to go again?"

He sighs,

"Day after tomorrow. But I have to do training tomorrow."

I can sense the apology that is coming before it hits,

"I am so sorry Ele, I wish I could stay longer."

I shake my head, kissing his collar as I worm my way into his arms,

"It's okay. We both agreed to pursue our careers first and foremost. I'm crazy busy as it is, I wouldn't be able to give you the quality time you deserve if you were here 24/7."

He runs his hand through my hair absent mindedly,

"I know. I just always dreamed of us settling down at some point, you know?"

I don't know. I wish I did. I wish I wanted to wake up to him every morning and spend every second by his side. I like to be independent, I like my space, I feel like I can't breathe around him. He smothers me with his love and devotion, and his grand ideas about the future. A future that I am unsure of.

I hum in agreement and watch as his eyes dip shut. His voice wanders to the perfection he has built in his imagination,

"We could have a dog, you know Plushies has always hated me. I'm thinking 3 kids or 4. Or more, if you want. And a house outside of the city, in the suburbs or something. With a pool and a grill in a big backyard. Near a park where we can walk the dogs and the strollers. You could commute in. When I'm promoted I won't have to travel so much, I can stay with you. Here."

It all feels so boring, like a life that I was warned about when I was young with my parents in their home outside of Boston. A home that sounds like everyone else's. He smiles slightly,

"Doesn't that sound incredible Ele?"

I stare up at the stars. My feet are getting cold. The sweet of the cream on my lips begins to sting slightly with the mint. I want a future that is focused on my career. I want to build myself into someone powerful. Someone respected. In my mind children have never been a priority, they aren't something that I have feared not having.