You Belong With me

Goodbye

Word Count: 1274

Goodbye

Her (e/c) colored eyes scanned over her unopened messages to find nothing new, which was just as she expected.

'Nothing,' She thought to herself with an expression of contempt.

She hadn't had much hope to begin with, but there had been a certain name she kept her eyes on, not having heard from the sender in weeks.

At least, not since the bitter incident.

"Sam," She hummed softly, the gentle pitter-patter of her heart being what responded back to the address of the name.

There, within their conversations lay an unsent paragraph, one she'd written not long after he left, still saved as a draft.

It stayed there, taunting her as she opened their old conversations, it being a testament to her cowardice and her miserable luck.

She hadn't had the boldness to send it, and how could she?

She asked herself how she could ever have the nerve to send such a thing when she didn't even have the strength to send him a simple hello, not even a measly greeting to remind him that she thought of him.

The idea of deleting the chat in their entirety danced around in her mind, her reasoning telling her that no matter what she did, it was all over. As it stood, even if she somehow managed to gather the will to send him the draft email, it wouldn't guarantee an answer back.

It wouldn't change anything at all.

"It would be pointless," She reminded herself, her (e/c) colored eyes skimming over the words for the hundredth time already, convinced he wouldn't even bother to read it, instead, sending it straight to the trash.

Hesitantly, her finger hovered over the delete option, contemplating the action.

"I should," she uttered softly, knowing it was like pulling off a band-aid.

It would hurt, and she certainly thought of it too much, but always cowering out.

Nevertheless, eventually, it had to be done, and by doing so quickly, with mind a blank, perhaps she could do it.

Even so, heart argued, persisting that it was as though she was forgetting him, and pushing aside every little moment with him, throwing away what she felt for him altogether.

Something inside told it was fruitless, that he wasn't coming back and nothing would change that, and yet, even then there was another piece of her heart that fought back, telling her that he was also suffering.

Consequently, she was compelled to keep the flicker of hope aflame.

She could hear it in the thickness of his voice, as well as see it in the tense, knotted form of his shoulders as they had stood through their final moments together.

" He was hurt," she heaved, "And It's for a reason," She added. "I just know it," (f/n) muttered, not holding Sam any resentment, unable to harbor any ill will towards him.

Loneliness had always accompanied her, being what she knew to be true. For many years it had been a harsh reality, something she thought had no room of escape.

So it wasn't to say that she'd never felt alone before in her life, because she had.

Before Sam came into her life, there hadn't been anything that made her life feel worthwhile.

There hadn't been anything that made her feel truly happy,

'So isn't it worth it?' She pondered, 'Isn't it the least I can do? Rather than nothing, shouldn't I at the very minimum come clean?'

(f/n) shook her head, her finger shaking over the arrow icon instead where only a small tap would let loose of all the withheld emotions she had for him, the good and the bad.

With just that simple motion he would know everything, and it had been just that easy all along.

He'd know what bubbling madness would fizzle within her whenever his typically low and gruff voice would soften.

He'd be aware of just how excited she was to have him come to her, even if he was bloodied and beaten, filthy and stinking, all of which she'd never turn away from.

"Sam..." she started, "I'm sure you won't come back here again..." she chuckled, shaking her head, accepting it with bitterness. "But even so... " she continued on, smiling sorely, " I should at least say goodbye to you properly," she nodded with assurance.

"Right?" she asked the wind, looking out onto the world outside. Though still protected within the encasement of her home, she had a full view of the outside world as she stayed under the roof, just steps away from the fiend-riddled land.

Staring out with a held-in breath, she continued to smile bitterly, knowing that somewhere out there he was traveling.

Nodding with assurance, she trailed her eyes over the words a final time,

' I love you.

I wanted to tell you I loved you so many times before, but holding back, I swallowed down every word, burring it down to the pit of my stomach whenever you were near.

Moreso when you would leave, because that's when it'd hit me worse.

I had a desire to kiss you, hold you.

And I thought of nothing but those intimate thoughts whenever I saw your scarred skin, wishing you trusted me enough, Wishing I had more within me to tell you that it was something I had in mind.

Sam, I know you have nothing but nightmares, and how I wanted to take them as my own.

I didn't know what brought them forth, or even what they were about, but I wish I had the power to consume them, locking them within me where they wouldn't ever find their way to you.

It's maddening and nonsensical, but I thought of it so many times.

I truly do love you, even at this very moment, I can't feel anything but love for you.

Right from the moment we found each other, by what I'd like to think is fate, I was on a downward spiral onto this feeling I knew would someday cause me pain.

Because nothing that beautiful could exist in this world, right?

I desperately wanted to believe there was reason in this world, anything besides darkness and solitude. Before you, I had come to believe that it was just a false hope I held onto and that I'd never come to find my own joy.

But I did, eventually, I found my true smile, I found my true Joy. And I owe you plenty for that.

Sam Bridges, you were all the reason I needed to wake up. You were all the reason I needed to see the world through eyes anew.

I never said anything because I wanted to avoid this. What held me back was the fear of somehow losing you, and yet here I am.

Perhaps this is fate as well. I can only assume.

But even then, I won't let you go.

Somehow I will always have you with me. Somehow I will hold onto you, fighting fate, fighting this apocalypse in my own way.

Sam Bridges, in my heart, there is a place there dedicated to you and what little moments we had together.

Finally, I can say goodbye, as it was perhaps fated to be.

I have no other choice, but now, at the very least, I can also say that I love you.

- (f/n),(l/n) '

Walking outside, she took a breath of fresh air, taking a careful step outside. The heavy anchor which had weighed down her heart snapping, releasing the bruised, bleeding muscle from its crushing bind.

Slowly, her tart expression grew lighter, and for the first time in weeks, she truly smiled, content.