Erase Herゾごホ

物の哀れ

物の哀れ // Mono no Aware

The sadness in things. The sadness in beautiful things.

I tugged off my hood, letting it fall to my shoulders, instead of hiding who I am for the first time in months.

Being reunited with you after so long, after so much distilled pain had lingered in the crevices of our souls, it was so beautiful it was terribly sad.

My (h/c) hair blew gently against the nights breeze as I tucked some loose strands behind my ear, watching Shota Aizawa wipe the sweat from his brow.

Having him look at me, with his droning tired eyes, it was almost like I was finally being seen. And that this entire time I had never actually been living, just existing in a world draped in colorless hues as I hid behind a mask that imprisoned me with binding shackles to tear and eat away at my skin. No, I wasn't living until those exhausted and dull looking eyes looked at me, looked at the real me clearly.

My voice seemed to be failing, silence befalling upon me as I clutched collar of my shirt, tears scrolling down my cheeks. Shota let out a sigh. Not a tired or exasperated sigh, not one out of annoyance, or even a breath to fill the quietness between us. It was relief. He swallowed hard, taking one step towards me.

I've dreamt of this moment since the day I was shot. It's been the only thing I've wanted since that fateful night, a chance to correct my mistakes.

Two steps.

I've wanted to tell you that we are meant for each other, that no matter how much hurt could conjure in the depths of my chest cavity, I would bear it all with a smile on my face if it meant being with you. Through any amount of blood, tears, I would always find a way to return to you.

Three steps.

I also want to tell you it's okay if you don't love me anymore. I know I've done things, bad things, things that made honest people like Mirio leave my side without batting an eye. I've become someone else entirely, someone hard to accept and overall hard to love. That is why I will not force my feelings on you or have you feel guilty for anything. You're not the guilty party here, no, that is me.

Four steps.

And I'm sorry. I'm so, so, so sorry for everything. For not listening to you when you told me not to poke the sleeping bear. For lying to you. For putting you through this much hurt, for making your life a living hell. For robbing you of so many quiet nights, so many bearable mornings, so many tasty dinners and delicious lunches. I've taken every enjoyable second of your life from you and made you sit in bed till the sun came up wishing you could take back all you said to me. I know-.

Five steps.

I know you didn't mean any harm in what you said to me. And even though it hurt, I forgive you. I forgive you and if what you said is truly how you feel, that we are too different to be together, I respect your choices Shota Aizawa.

Six.

You don't have to love me.

Seven.

I don't even love me anymore.

My gaze flicked upwards, tears blurring my vision.

Eight.

"Shota-."

Huh?

My eyes widened, staring up at the man who had swooped in without a word, closing the space between us with his lips against mine.