Half of a Whole

Goodnight Sunshine

NELOFER

It had been her first day back to work after 8 days and she didn't expect it to feel this way. The whole day she had felt like she didn't belong in her own body. She felt like a stranger looking in from the outside. She kept going through the motions of making coffee, sandwiches, cakes. Her body, like the good machine it was, even as disconnected as it was from her mind, it performed so well in serving the customers, smiling on cue and effortlessly laughing with her colleagues. 

But inside her mind, it was a jumbled mess. It was full of dark and scary thoughts. Not a place she wanted to be in, but not a place she had the luxury to run away from either. When you were a prisoner in your own mind, you didn't get to just walk out. Maybe it was normal to feel this way after almost being buried alive. Like not really alive, but not really dead, just suspended somewhere in limbo?

Her thoughts were filled with how much her mom hated her. Her mom. The person she loved the most her entire life. The sweet woman who gave birth to her. The one who'd chase her around the house with a plate of food if she missed meal or tried to diet. Ammi hated her enough to want her dead. And now Nelofer couldn't stop hating herself. Whatever happened to unconditional love? She almost wished she had died, if that would've made her mom happy. The funniest thing was that not a single person around her could tell what was going on in her head. They all bought her carefree act and assumed she was having the time of their life.

Finally work was over. She could maybe call her sister, if Nayera picked up the phone.

Nelofer walked down the road towards her temporary accommodation. 'No. Home' she corrected herself for the thousandth time, feeling like slapping herself. 'Why can't you just get it right already? It's the only home you have now.'

A migraine started to make her head throb with deep, boring pain. Great. The cherry on top. Just what she needed to complete her amazing day.

Nelofer walked looking down at the pavement. She didn't want to make eye contact with anyone. She was mad at herself that it was taking her days to get her shit together, that she wasn't as strong as she wanted to be. 'It will get better tomorrow' she repeated in her head, again and again, like a make-believe mantra.

Suddenly someone's Nike trainers stopped in front of her shoes on the asphalt sidewalk. Her face was jerked upward and she met familiar blue eyes.

"Nelofer." His eyes were mesmerising. She had never seen eyes hold so much emotion before. He looked at her with so much vulnerability and tenderness, it did something to her heart.

Carson pressed his forehead against hers and her headache was gone, just like that. His scent was nice. He smelled like rain and the forest. Immediately, that became her favourite fragrance of all time.

"Are you ok?" his voice was a gentle whisper as his arm looped around her waist to hold her together in his arms, like he was afraid of her breaking without the support.

She wasn't ok. Living had been so hard lately. Things just kept getting darker and darker in her life. And she had completely forgotten what it was like to be hugged by someone. Such a small and trivial thing, but it was enough to make her eyes prick with tears. How long has it been since she had been last hugged? She missed being hugged by...

"Say something." Carson pulled away to look at her "No. No. Don't cry. Tell me who did this and I promise I'll make them suffer greatly for it."

She closed her eyes. The more tenderly he wiped away her tears, the harder her tears fell. His touch was healing, it was taking away the pain somehow, making it dull enough that she could think of something else. Think of him.

She had a huge crush on him. After he had caught her staring at him, she had been making the conscious effort not to look anywhere near his direction. It required a lot of effort and it didn't help that she was constantly thinking about not thinking of him, which defeated the purpose really. Whenever he was around, she couldn't help but get the biggest idiotic smile on her face ever. The rational part of her brain went on vacation and she needed to force herself not to glance his way so often, like the stupid hormonal teenager she was. She tried to tell herself that this was just a healthy reaction to a particularly fit and virile male specimen. Nothing to panic about, nothing to stress over. Even then she knew she was fooling herself. She had never been so bothered about another man's existence as much as she had been bothered by Carson's. She was embarrassed for herself. How pathetic to have a raging crush on a man while her life was falling apart.

Now he was holding her in his arms. Not only that, he looked at her like she meant the world to him. Although she might be delusional about that last part.

She rested her palms against his chest, unable to muster the will to push him away. The heat radiating off him enveloped her. Her stomach flipped upside down as butterflies took flight in her belly.

"Carson" she tried to keep her voice even, but even to her ears it sounded needy.

"Yes, baby? You're gonna tell me why you're crying? Or at least the names of those I need to murder?" His minty breath fanned over her lips, tickling her skin. She shivered. Their mouths were so close, close enough for their breaths to intermingle.

A voice inside her mind panicked 'What the hell are you doing?'

She turned off the voice. She knew she should push him away. But she needed him as much as she needed her next breath. She needed the way he made her feel anchored and safe, bringing her mental peace. She hadn't known she needed this until he wrapped her up in his embrace. Now she felt like she could survive till the end of the day without breaking apart as long he held her.

'I'm sorry God, I'm going to sin today.'

Nelofer's hands traveled up his chest, vaguely registering all the hard planes and powerful muscles underneath his shirt. He released a sharp breath. Her arms crossed behind his head and Nelofer went up on her tiptoes.

Her eyes automatically closed when her lips brushed against his in a feathery touch. She felt him tense up, his grip on her waist tightened. But he didn't push her away. He didn't do anything but stay dead still.

The moment their lips touched, she felt alive, like being brought back from the dead. Endorphins kicked in in her blood vessels almost instantly. She couldn't help but think 'This must be how people get addicted to drugs.'

Her breathing became erratic, her chest heaved up and down from quickened breaths. She pulled back and glanced up at Carson from under hooded lids. She saw his jaw muscle tick as his eyes fell on her lips.

He took a deep breath and ran his thumb over her bottom lip "I'm not gonna to kiss you back, Nelofer. If I do, I'll want much more. And you can't give me that."

His wistful reply sobered her up. She dropped her arms from his shoulders and took a step back. Her cheeks were on flame. She could feel her whole face heating up.

"I'm sorry," she said clasping her hands together in front of her, looking at the ground "I shouldn't have done that. I don't know what came over me. I'm so-"

"I'm not sorry at all" he cut her off, taking her hand and walking towards his haphazardly parked car.

He opened the passenger seat's door "I'm taking you home." Her heart skipped a beat. She nodded, feeling lightheaded.

He strapped her in and walked over to the driver's side.

...............

"How do you know where I live?" Nelofer asked looking at her 'home'.

"Your friend...Cynthia. She told me you both live there" he said.

Before she got out of the car, he asked her "Can I see your phone?"

She got her phone out of her pocket and rested it on his upturned open palm. She had never given her phone number to a guy before.

After a few seconds, he gave her phone back "Will you please call me if you feel like talking about what happened to you? Or if you need help with anything at all."

She nodded.

He smiled "Goodnight, Sunshine."