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My whole life revolved the idea that I was the perfect example of a son. It didn't matter that I was born 3 months after my grandmother's death, I was still perfect enough to replace her.
I was born on December 4th to a newly married couple of Korean parents, who were most ecstatic about having a son. I would never say it aloud, but I rather should've been a woman because of how much I hate the smell men give off whenever they sweat, or the fact that they get so horny easily.
From a young age, I convinced myself that I should've been a girl and prayed for the next baby that my parents birthed was to be a girl so we could play with Barbie dolls, and wear makeup.
"Look Seokjin, it's your baby brother!"
Of course it had to be a boy.
But my baby brother being a boy didn't stop me from messing up my mother's pallets and wearing feminine clothing. I liked the idea of being feminine, not only because of my looks, but because it just felt right to me. But... I guess my parents didn't like the idea enough.
"Your son is just experimenting with his sexuality. It's nothing wrong with him wanting to be feminine, and it doesn't make him any less of a man." The therapist or whoever this woman was said to my conservative parents. I was only 13 at the time, while my brother was 10
"So, we don't need to get him help?" My father asked with a slight angry tone. He was probably just as disappointed as I was.
"Nothing is wrong with him." She said.
But I guess my father had different ideas. He was a masculine man who only had few, little views on life. I still don't see why my mom married him, glad the bastard was dead now.
"Jinnie!" My brother, Felix shouted. I was now in the 9th grade while he was only fresh in middle school. "Dad needs his medicine."
Sighing as I was doing my math homework, I shout back. "Okay Lix. Tell him, I'll be there in a minute."
Yeah, that was basically my life up until he passed when we were 15 and 12. Felix cried so much at the funeral, my mom could only form small tears while I just wanted to kick the bastard over and watch him roll out of his casket. Although it was sad to see my brother and mother the way they were but soon enough, we would be fine... I hope.
~2019~
"No, I did pay you the $130 for the tv bill! I've been paying it ever since you raised up your fucking prices." My mother, Athena, almost yells into the house phone as she talks about the money she had paid. I hear Felix playing with his Switch as the boy had been obsessed with video games, ignoring the world around him.
So, what am I doing? Getting ready for my first day as a senior, which frankly wasn't going to be the worst day of the year. But who even cares about that.
Now that my dad was gone, my mother was now open to her own opinions and accepted the fact I was feminine. I wore makeup, jewelry and loved bright colors unlike Felix who just casually walked out the house in black sweatpants and had uncut hair. I always wondered where that idiot got his sense of fashion from because it certainly wasn't me.
Speaking of that idiot, he's now in my room, Switch in hand; watching as I do my eyeliner and mascara. I knew my brother was a lazy bum, but he still had some sense to clean himself up once in awhile.
"What do you want?" I ask and he throws one of his stuffed bears at my back before flopping down on my queen bed.
"Do you have any weed? I'm itching to get high at the moment." I almost rolled my eyes at that, to know my baby brother smoked marijuana still baffled me to this day but I cannot control what goes through his sophomore mind. I simply nod "no" and he sighs, rolling his eyes. As I start to clean up my mess of makeup, Felix wraps around my back and looks at my reflection in the mirror.
"Do you ever think about how fucking ugly you are?" He teases, and I elbow him in the stomach causing him to grunt. I knew the male was kidding, so it was funny to watch him grunt in pain. "You just never know when to stop hurting me." He turns to lean against my dresser, while I'm at my closet with only yellow pants and shoes on.
"Maybe if you stopped being such a dick, you'd wouldn't be elbowed." I smirk and laugh as he rolls his eyes, eyes darting to my closet full of colors. "I think a white shirt would do today? I'm not sure." My yellow pants had white hearts on the pockets but I was unsure if I could match it with just a plain white shirt.
"If you want," Felix started. "I have a tank top for your ass." He snickers before going back into his room for a minute then coming back with a white tank top that had inappropriate writing on the back of it, but honestly I didn't care.
I thank him as I put it over my head, my muscles were now fully on display and I never felt more exposed in my life but then again, that's what I liked. "Now what do you want from me?" Every time we gave each other something, we needed to give the other person something back. I wasn't sure what he wanted to use or get me to do this time, so I was quite nervous.
"Just let me use your white mascara and I won't bother again."
"Deal."
———
Although I could never bring myself to say it to his face, I had theories about the male.
The first was that, Felix was only my half-brother. I know it sounds bad to think about since I might be wrong but then again I would sometimes have my doubts as he was the only one with freckles in our family, and he started to look & sound more like some Australian man. I would never accuse my mom of cheating but it was possibility and I knew my brother would be hurt by the fact that I sometimes have that dark cloud in my head, so I truly believe he is my brother; because I love him too much to deny him.
The second was that, he was closeted. You're probably thinking, "Seokjin, shouldn't you be that?" But to be honest, I know my sexuality. I've always felt like Felix had a love for everyone but just wasn't sure of anything he wanted yet, so I never asked but I always assume he just wasn't interested in anyone or was secretly still trying to figure it out. Although it did make me jealous at times when Felix had everyone wrapped around his finger all because he was funny, kind, and handsome.
As I was in my stupid thoughts, Felix taps my shoulder and walks away, signaling me to get up and walk my pretty ass to school. He wore black shorts, a rock band crop top and topped of his face with the white mascara he used from my makeup. These types of outfits were always the ones I looked forward to the most out of his closet of sweatpants and hoodies, only because it made him ten times more hardcore compared to my bright and feminine self.
We both wave to our mother, who wears a proud smile on her face. I'm still not sure why she would be proud of us when we know how this school year will end.
