north star (knj)

chapter twenty-five

I've been trying all my life
To separate the time
In between the having it all
And giving it up, yeah

Ey, this wandering full of blue in my head
Ey, 내 머릿속엔 파란색만 가득한 이 방황
Only self-loathing and pride live in my heart
자기혐오들과 자만이 내 마음속에 살아

SUGA'S Interlude - Halsey, SUGA

----

"Mikka promoted me."

I risked a glance at Hanna over the rim of my coffee cup. In the fifteen minutes we had been sitting on my balcony, it was the first time she had spoken directly to me. Leo had disappeared into the living room awhile ago, claiming "he would find better conversation with a mime."

"That's great." I perched my mug on my knee, squinting at the late morning sun. "What's your new position?"

"I'm officially your personal assistant," Hanna said. At my raised eyebrow, she added, "I'm not sure if it was a pity promotion after the shitshow last night, or she actually thinks I deserve the job. Either way, looks like you'll be seeing a lot more of me from now on."

"Then I'm not complaining." I picked at the fraying hem of my jeans.

Quietness settled once more, long enough for me to finish the remaining dregs of my coffee. Neither of us breached the delicate silence. Hanna had been the one to text this morning and ask to speak over breakfast - only now there wasn't so much speaking happening.

The restlessness me in begged for something to happen, anything to save the awkwardness stretching between us.

"How's Jin?" I asked in a rush, at the exact moment Hanna blurted, "Namjoon okay?"

We chuckled, shaking our heads. I motioned for her to go first.

"Jin is good. We watched a movie last night once we got to my apartment, talked a few things over." She nudged her muffin to the side of the plate. "He didn't know there were pictures of us on the internet."

"Is he worried?" I asked.

"I think so, yeah. I don't have any personal social media accounts, not unless you count the one I use to scope out new talent for work," Hanna said. "So I don't think I'll get some heat for awhile. Jin, on the other hand...he'll have to practice dodging dating questions in interviews."

"He'll be fine, it's one of the first things celebrities learn in 'Interviewing 101'," I quipped.

My personal favorite trick was to turn around and ask the interviewer the very same question. Most interviewers shut down as soon as they realize how probing it is to ask about personal aspects of my life like dating. Still, some persisted, seemingly seeing me as nothing other than a toy to tack onto the side of another young, desirable, and attractive public figure.

Hanna's smile faded. "Do they teach you how to apologize to friends in that class?" Her mouth puckered into a tiny frown. "Because I might want to take it then."

Leaning forward, I placed my mug on the coffee table between us. "Hanna, you don't have to apologize. Morgan hurt you -"

"She hurt me, yes, but that doesn't mean it was okay for me to turn around and hurt you," Hanna said.

I fidgeted. Usually, I was on the other end of these conversations. Always the one seeking forgiveness, never an apology. Was I supposed to make eye contact? Hug her? Jump off of the balcony?