north star (knj)

chapter twenty-eight

What if who I hoped to be was always me?
And the love I fought to feel was always free?
What if all the things I've done
Were just attempts at earning love? Yeah
'Cause the hole inside my heart is stupid deep
Oh, stupid deep

Stupid Deep - Jon Bellion

----

LYRA

Frozen mid-stride, I stared at the spot Namjoon had been only moments ago. The room felt somehow different without him in it, cold and immense. My heart pounded in my chest, echoing the resounding plea in my mind for him to come back.

But he wouldn't. As much as I wanted Namjoon back, I knew he wouldn't return. At his very core, he was a man of his word, and the misery in his eyes had spoken volumes when he had turned away from me and let the door shut behind him.

That misery - that heartbreak - was because of me. I hadn't been honest enough with him, and it had cost me the very person I felt I could never lose.

My throat constricted as the reality sunk in. Namjoon had left me. He had walked in here and bared his aching heart, and what had I done? I had stood and stared, silent. My floundering had done nothing but convince him he was the source of our relationship's strain. I frowned at the sour taste in my mouth, knowing no amount of alcohol would ever be enough to wash it away.

Behind me, the doorknob twisted.

I spun, breathless, only to see Hanna and Leo enter the hotel suite. Half-dried raindrops soaked both of their clothes.

"Hey, we just saw Namjoon in the lobby," Hanna said. "Is everything alright?"

Leo snorted. "Yeah, he looked pissed. Or maybe just constipated, I don't know."

All this time, it's always been me chasing you. That's what Namjoon had said, right?

Something pricked the back of my head. It was my voice, not weak and withered as it had been these past weeks, but strong and hopeful.

Show him that's not true, it said.

My feet were moving before I had fully made up my mind. "Move," I muttered, squeezing between Hanna and Leo. The hotel hallway blurred as I sprinted for the stairs, bypassing the excruciating slowness of waiting for the elevator.

People in the lobby jumped back for me, gasping with wide eyes. I pushed past them all, fixated on the wide glass doors leading outside to the city streets, leading to him. My bruised ribs screamed with every stride, but I ran faster and burst out of the hotel. Warm rain drenched me within seconds.

I whirled around and scoured the streets for him. It was difficult to see through the rainfall and blurry city lights, but something pulled me to my left and I turned, heart faltering as I glimpsed a pair of long legs disappear around the corner.

Namjoon.

"Namjoon!" I cried, taking off. My bare feet pounded against the concrete sidewalk.

He wouldn't walk away. There were a lot of people the world could take away from me, but I refused to let him be one of them.

Through the storm, I called again, "Namjoon!"

His body shuddered as I rounded the corner, pausing mid-step. He knew it was my voice shouting for him. After a moment's pause, he raised his shoulders against the wind and continued to trudge down the street.

No. Not today, Namjoon. Not ever.

Grabbing his elbow, I whirled around Namjoon and forced him to stop in his tracks. Rain streaked down both of our faces as we stared at one another, him in anguish and confusion, me in desperation and trepidation.