north star (knj)

chapter five

Is it wrong that I still wonder where you are?
Is it wrong that I still don't know my heart?

Put a Little Love on Me - Niall Horan

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It was two of my worst days at work.

No matter what I did, I couldn't focus. My voice cracked singing notes I could hit in my sleep. I was sloppy on dance moves during rehearsal. Any lyric I managed to write down sounded like everything else on the charts, which wasn't acceptable, even without Mikka's impossibly high standards.

"What is up with you?" Mikka asked me in the car ride home from an appearance on a radio show. "The host asked you questions we've gone over dozens of times, but you stuttered through half of them."

I fidgeted with the silver rings on my right hand. "I don't know."

"You forgot to mention your appearance on Ellen last week! You were supposed to open with that." Mikka slid her phone out of her blazer pocket and started typing furiously. "Do you know BigHit is watching your every move right now? Today didn't exactly sell that you're ready to collab with their biggest stars."

"Yeah, yeah. I know." I stared out the window and watched L.A.'s nightlife pass by. People lined up outside of clubs. Couples walked hand in hand out of restaurants. Teenagers laughed as they skateboarded through the streets.

For more than just a moment, I wished I were them. Free to live a normal life for just one night.

For the tenth time in the last twenty minutes, I checked my phone. There was still no text or call from Namjoon. He and BTS had been in L.A. for two days now – any window to see him was closing quickly.

I opened our text messages. The last text from him had been sent this morning. It was a picture of him holding up a blueberry muffin, his dimples peeking over his jacket collar as he grinned. I had stared at it longer than I cared to admit and filed a mental note away that he liked blueberry muffins.

There had been no message from him since. He could've been busy today, but that had never stopped him from talking to me before. Giving in, I typed a quick message and hit send.

Lyra: Nice Carpool Karaoke...sad to see the purple hair go, but the blonde is good, too.

There was still no response when the car pulled up to my apartment fifteen minutes later.

"Go over your vocal runs in "Lilac Skies" tonight." Mikka didn't look up from her phone as I opened the car door. "We'll try recording it again tomorrow morning."

I couldn't shake the jitters in the elevator up to my penthouse unit. Something was wrong. Even on his busiest days, Namjoon usually texted me every few hours. It wasn't like him to be so quiet for so long.

This is exactly what you didn't want, a tiny voice in the back of my head whispered. He's getting in the way of your music.

I checked my phone again as I unlocked my apartment door. A miniscule 'sent at 11:13 PM' sat beneath my last text message to Namjoon. Scowling, I shoved my phone into my jeans pocket.

The frown disappeared when I realized there were extra pairs of shoes sitting next to the doormat. I counted three in total, all of them pairs of boots and designer sneakers that were too fashionable to belong to Leo.

"Leo?" I called. The living room and kitchen were empty.

Down the hallway, I heard booms and shouts of laughter. Streaks of pale blue light flashed through the crack in the doorway to Leo's bedroom.