Me or Hope?

Chapter 10

After that day it was never the same. Like Jungkook said everybody really leaves in the end. And those who stayed, I didn't want to trust them anymore. Jungkook and I avoided each other after that day. We both had said ugly words. Maybe we didn't have the guts to take back our words.
Tae was confused but he obviously cared for Jungkook more. It was weird to see my friend siding with my another friend. I was the bad person here. I doubted if Taehyung was ever my friend. Was he my friend or was he just in my circle?
As for Jimin and Yoongi, they couldn't care less. They were oblivious to all the friendship breakups here. Or maybe they knew it and didn't want to meddle? Were they my friends? Or were they like Tae who was just in a circle?
That moment I realized...nobody was my friend. Everybody knew me, but they didn't care for me. Or maybe they pitied me because I didn't get enough affection at home. I shouldn't have trusted them. I regretted all the times I shared my secrets and my deepest thoughts with them. I shouldn't have become close to anyone here. I made a mistake again by seeking for affection. I made a terrible mistake which I couldn't erase but only walk away from. And I wasn't going to stay here without friends anymore.
I promised myself to never let people enter in my life. That was the end of my social life.
The most heartbreaking part was avoiding and hurting Hobi. I couldn't let go of him but I shouldn't hold onto him. He was one of them.
It was lunch break and as usual the others were sitting together. I usually avoided eating in the canteen as I had no one to eat with. Or I sat in the corner table where people usually avoided me. Some people stared or whispered but I tried to ignore it. There were times when I wanted to cry when I saw my friends together laughing and being happy without me. Sometimes they gave me a small smile here and there. But it wasn't the smile they gave me. It was just some strangers smiling at each other.
That was what we became, strangers. I couldn't risk making new friends and losing them like this. I couldn't belive in happiness and risk getting hurt. And I wasn't being selfish here. I was just protecting myself from being hurt.
It was hard at first. I felt lonely and empty. But as time went by...it was all alright. I had someone to share my thoughts with. I would just imagine myself having a conversation. It was just two months and we graduated. I missed all the farewells and meetings where I had to face my friends. And they couldn't care any less. Maybe they really never thought me as a friend.
I was happy as I moved places. I was happy and content being alone. I used to talk with myself and answer my own questions. But as time went by my questions were being answered back. And I had someone who would reassure me how much I should keep my distance from people.
Like sand, people in my life went on slipping. And I didn't try to catch them this time. I let them go. There was a tiny bit of hope to see who returned. But they never did. And I didn't let them back either. That was my way of revenge. I lost you, you lost me.