Before and Now (Chaennie)

Chapter 12

"i nee...ded to take a... a breath, mom. I needed t... to think." I couldn't look up at her and see her reaction but I felt the need to add. "No one wa... was with me."

I glanced up when I didn't hear a reply, she was staring at me but not in anger, not anymore, she looked... kind of saddened?

"Are you not able to breathe here? We're doing everything we can, you know?"

"I know. I'm sorry." The guilt spread in my chest, I knew everyone tried their best. I was adapting to my new life and they were too. They had to be there every step of the way and I was thankful for that.

"Never do that again, understood?"

I nodded weakly, head down and past the guilt, I was relieved because that meant she didn't know about Rosé. If she did, she wouldn't have let go of it.

"Go to your room. I'll call you for dinner... and take some ice pack for your leg." she sighed, shaking her head in disappointment.

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Rosé POV

J: I'm back home.

R: Are you ok?

J: Yeah, I took a good scold but it's fine.

R: Ah... I'm relieved.

J: I should have talked to her though. I was reckless. She almost discovered about us.

R: You were nervous. It's normal. Before, it took us a long time too to organize ourselves.

I looked at my phone screen happily sighing. The butterflies in my stomach still hadn't disappeared and I felt like I was being thrown back into the past when I first fell in love with Jennie.

I stared at my ceiling, sighing in content. I didn't know what the future hold for us and that scared me to the core but the afternoon had been so good. Talking with her in all honesty, away from any prying eyes. After all of the things that I had imagined, Jennie took ot really well. All thanks to her diary apparently. I hoped it will help her understand her old self and our relationship.

My phone buzzed.

J: Thanks for the support.

J: You help me so much. Thank you.

I smiled. I wanted to answer 'Of course I'll help you. I always will because I love you' but I couldn't, it was too soon. I couldn't tell her these three words even if she knew. I couldn't and I didn't want to pressure her. Jennie wasn't just a bran new person where you could attach her old feelings on, I couldn't put the weight of her old self on her shoulders.

Did it hurt? Yes. Like hell. Jennie was the only person that cared about me, the only one who loved me for who I was. Who I really was.

Tears started forming in my eyes until they cleared when I thought about the events of the day.

I may have lost the old Jennie but I find my way back to the new one. As a friend of course. Well, could I already call it that? Nevertheless, it was enough for me.

My phone buzzed again.

J: It might sound weird but I feel so close to you already. I like when I'm with you. It eases my mind.

I couldn't help but grin, even now our minds were still in sync. I got reminded of when Jennie first told me she liked talking to me. It was over text too. Suddenly, I didn't feel so helpless about our future. Jennie was a pair of my life again.

R: It doesn't sound weird. We have some history together obviously. I'll try to be the best of friends from now on. ;)

J: Thanks. Sorry to cut the conversation short but I got a headache. I really need to go sleep it off.

I sighed. Those damn headaches. If I could fight them I would.

R: No problem. Take care. See you tomorrow :)

J: Good night :)

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Flashback:

It was hard to breathe. I slammed the stole's door behind me and immediately crashed into a fetus position on the floor. My short nails sink into my shoulders but I didn't feel the pain.

'You're a freak' 'You shouldn't be alive'

My choppy breathing worsened. Why did they have to say these things? Like I wasn't aware of it already.

I felt the fresh bruise forming on my stomach pulsating, why did they have to always hit me as well? Wasn't my internal battle already enough?

"Rosé?"

The tears started to burn my skin and even the air felt like it was assaulting my body.

"Rosé... open."

Jennie?

Jennie, I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have come into your life. You don't deserve this.

My sobs intensified and the burning feeling of the tears made me whimper. Suddenly, I felt something reaching me.

"You're breathing Rosé. I'm here."

I felt a mass back hugging me yet not too tightly, an arm wrapped over me, fingers grazing my arm and starting to draw an up and down pattern on it.

"I'm here. You're safe."

Unconsciously, my breathing began to follow the pattern. My nerves started to relax and my muscles as well. At some point, I realized that Jennie had crawled under the door and was trying to stop my panic attack. She wasn't there during the confrontation but saw me when I run off, caught up on what happened and came after me.

"Do you feel better?" she asked after a while, still stroking my arm. Her hold on me had tightened once my panic stopped and I couldn't feel more thankful. I nodded still unable to talk. We stayed in silence for a while, lying down on the restroom floor.

"Your mind is really loud, Rosé." she whispered.

I chuckled.

"I know."

She stopped the stroking and her hand intertwined with mine.

"Don't listen to what they say."

"It's hard not to when I know they'r....."

She turned me around violently, not letting me finish.

"Never every, think that. Do you hear me, Roseanne Park?"

"I..."

Her hands covered my cheeks obligated me to look into her eyes.

"You are not what they say you are. Don't let it invade your head. You're not worthless nor unworthy. You're a beautiful smart, funny, caring girl. You need to see that."

My tears and silently fell, this time from happiness and my heart was set on fire.

Jennie Kim, I love you.

She came closer.

"You're amazing Roseanne Park." she whispered.

I put my forehead against her and wrapped my arms around her. I wished we could stay like that forever. I wished I could have Jennie by my side forever.