All Things Blue

14. All Things Hope

From Blue With Love and Hope

I have always known of the kind of monster I was. I learned young there are many a different type of monsters in this world; those that exploit and those that abandon their responsibilities, those that indulge in every selfish fleshly desire and those that hate anything good and pure. I was a sort of mix between them, a mutt of all the inequities the world had to offer.

I was the worst I'd ever seen existing as a living war zone with live tripwire and buried grenades. It made it impossible for me to identify what specifically caused an angry outburst or a depressive year. It all meshed together until it just became my life filled with unfair loses and unforeseen tragedies.It forced me to stay incredibly reclusive as I attempter to keep the casualties to a minimum.

I had a darkness that resided so deeply, it was inscribed into me. Maybe it was etched into my skin and slowly permeated every part of me. Or perhaps it was my very essence. A dark shadow that had cast itself into my being. I never wanted it there. I tried many times to scrub it away. However, I soon realized it didn't matter what I did to erase it. It would always be there moving around in different parts.

Darkness.

I suppose it was just a part of myself as anything else. My life was centered around controlling it. I treated it as if it was wrapped in cellophane. Carefully, surely, if not it would consume me.

As Claire laid into my arms I felt a feeling I'd never felt. It was a strong feeling that washed over me. It was this need to protect her. I knew it was my job to provide for her. I had this overall responsibility for her well being. I couldn't let her just become another dead body in my wake– I knew better now. I had no idea how to do it and no manual to learn from. There was no example to draw from but that still didn't take the responsibility away.

Nothing could take away that moment I shared with Claire, not even me. I never knew such an experience could exist organically. Not in this life. Although, I suppose that's the pessimist in me speaking. If something catastrophic could happen organically, it's only natural something inherently good could too.

I was still learning the duality of life.

I left Claire covertly. I was careful not to make even the smallest of noise or move her delicate body in any way that would wake her. For a moment I did see things from Claire's view. I would have just left her after sharing such a preciously intimate moment with her. Oh, but God knows I wanted nothing more than to stay home. To remain in our bubble of love in abundance that transcended all space in time.

But I knew what I had seen. The darkness inside of me was gone. It had very little to do with what I could see with my eyes but instead with what I felt. I could feel it gone from where I could usually recognize it. A fear unlike any other swelled inside of me when I realized I could no longer feel it. Knowing where it was at all times was the only way I could function normally.

I called a ride and began walking out from the secluded cabin to the main street. The wind was bitter but I paid it no mind. I turned seeing some trees in the distance.

I watched the trees and their familiar patterns. It made it difficult to notice how much time had gone by. I noticed the birds flying in the direction of Claire's truck where we just were. I was pretty sure they were flying to be close to her.

Everything from the beautiful and the damned flocked to Claire as if she had her own gravitational pull. I looked up at the dark night sky marveling at how even the stars fell down from the sky longing to be close to her.

I ignored the longing to be with her as well. I imagine you hate me, since you too have the same desire to protect her as well, you sit here baffled about how I could leave after such a cathartic experience.