Out of Touch

04

jan 09, 2021—
journal entry

It's only been a day since I last wrote for us. I didn't realize till I read my words over how vulnerable I allowed myself to get. It wasn't easy to see myself in that state.

The things I managed to bury deep into my mental somehow surfaced and you read it all word for word, didn't you? It's flattering in a way I suppose but.. I refuse to consistently appear as if I carry my heart on my sleeve.

Don't get it twisted now.

I won't spoon feed you my emotions. I became vulnerable so quickly is scary. It feels like a huge case of whiplash and I hope you can understand that. You're open minded.. I'm sure of it.

I need a break from my own thoughts at times too, I'm forced to live with them for the rest of my life and it's starting to get heavy. More weights are added everyday without giving my muscles time to rest from the previous workout. Do you get it?

I'm sure you could use a break too.

It's similar to the urge you have to cry. The tightness in your throat that makes you feel as if you'll start choking any second. A walking time bomb we all are. One bad day, one wrong move and the small amount of happiness we managed to build up comes crumbling down at the most insignificant of actions.

Letting it affect your mind and body is almost more tiring than the things you allow yourself to feel, regardless of if it damages you further. But you know what, I've been trapped in my hypothetical bubble for a while now and I think I need to write things that induce positive feelings. Every time I look back at what I've written, too many negative notions come surging out and I dislike it. I Hate it.

I look at this stupid book on my desk I can feel the rise in blood pressure, the ringing in my ears, losing the ability to think and comfort myself. All I can focus on is the crushing betrayal and loneliness I've felt in all those situations. The months of therapy I went through to get to a point where it didn't ruin my life.

I have a lot more to say; you have a lot more trauma to skim through. Trust me when I say I will fill out all these pages till I'm on the corner of the very last one. But I don't want to give you the wrong impression, and I definitely don't want to think of myself as someone who has one bad experience after the other.

I don't want to be the human embodiment of 'troubled'.

So today I've decided I'd let loose and talk about the things that bring me even a smidgen of satisfied feelings. Like.. music.

Comfort songs!

Apocalypse- Cigarettes After Sex

Roslyn- Bon Iver

A Little While- Yellow Days

Outside- TENDER

Top 4 I could think of.

Music is so powerful don't you think? When there's really no escape from your reality all you have to do is hit play. The sound waves of the melodies reach your ears, flowing like surfers throughout your mind and riding their way down every curve your body makes.

Especially the songs that give you goosebumps. It either makes you feel like you're floating, or like you're grounded. Complete opposite terms with the same invoked emotions. Crazy right?

The fact that every song can transport. Make you envision yourself in a different place, almost unearthly. One second you could be cruising down the highway next to the beach, and as soon as you hit the skip button your mind flips to a dark room with immense lust swirling around you.

Personally I love Alternative RnB. Songs that make me feel like I'm faded as fuck, free as a mother fucking bird, and giving head to the person I love. Best feeling.

I know I'm ranting about pointless things but I know one day you'll read this and thank me.

Thank me that you at least got to understand another piece of the puzzle that creates me.

Who knows, maybe I'm scared to get too personal here. In the sense of telling you every detail about who I am, where I come from and every one of my hobbies. The thought of writing that stresses me the fuck out. Right now all you know is what goes through my head. I've opened up about things that I wouldn't have told the closest soul to me. I simply don't want my face to be tied with my experiences.

It's pretty freeing If you think about it. Letting your entire life be known without having it be attached to a pulsing body. It's just a bunch of words if you really look at it from that angle.

Maybe I'm just tired of trying to see the value in my half-hearted encounters. Imagine all of our thoughts just floating. There's no frame attached to it. It's just all our trauma dancing around together singing "Kumbaya" and  somethings simply clicking. Exactly like a missing puzzle piece...

Maybe that's what you are?

I want to be able to look back at this and realize I wasn't so down in the dumps every hour of the day. But.. I also want you to be aware that part of me is inside you too. You feel these things as well, or else we wouldn't be connected this way.

I talked so much about yin and yang, completing something with black and white colors.

Maybe you're MY missing puzzle piece. The ying to my yang the 'mis' to my 'chief'? The 'non' to my 'sense'? The 'she' to my 'nanigans'?

I don't fucking know.

All I'm aware of is the mystery between us. My words are the only reason you're here in the first place, am I wrong?

The more I write the more I have you wrapped helplessly around my finger. If there were no words on this page then I wouldn't exist in your mind. You would've had no reason or obligation to be here.

You wouldn't be hearing my letters in your head. Being spoken in your own voice while you imagine mine in the back of your thoughts.

Do you hear yourself reading? That voice?

I'm in you're head and you don't even realize it.

Ha.. that's fascinating..

Look at this.. the more I continue to write the more your eyes dash across my sentences.. but what if I just

stop?

I'm etched in your mind already aren't I?

Good.

:)
— identified

Just kidding.

Don't freak out on me now, I'm not done talking to you. I'll continue to write till the blood circulation on the finger you're wrapped around is cut off by your presence. I promise.

And love, I keep my promises.

But don't get the wrong idea. I'm just acknowledging that you're here.

Nothing more.

2:30am
— unknown

-

quite the roller coaster huh?

as you can tell the character is very witty and likes playing mind games (;

also thank you so much for 40k+ reads.
just yesterday I was at 3k and it's insane the amount of support I've received.
thank you 🤍